Illinoisiac

Running Commentary

2010-03-21T23:16:00.002-05:00

Modern times are a clusterfuck.

Marketing has reached new and crazy heights. People I don't know try to friend me on facebook... because they're made up people that want to invite me to buy products. They message me on skype. And now... they keep posting comments on my blog! WTF! I hardly use this thing and they're trying to monetize it!?!?!?

Casimir Polaski Day (Cover)

2010-02-23T14:01:00.002-06:00

Leveling problems. Guitar with attached speaker, mic through the combo amp all into the webcam mic... UGH-ly. But a good song.

Needs practice.

Cosmic Timing

2010-02-23T12:31:00.000-06:00

This is the qwantz for yesterday!

Re-Statement of an Excellent Metaphor

2010-02-23T01:42:00.004-06:00

This is a dictation of an explanation that Leah and I are about to expound.

Me: "So, Leah, how shall we put this?"
Leah: "Hmm, well. how are you starting it?"
"We've started."
"Hmm?"
"Hang on... we've started; we're doing dictation."
"Oh. Well. Um, how about 'Love is a many-splendid thing'

Ok this immediately doesn't work as a format. Next time I'll bring a tape recorder and a spare half hour. Still written collaboratively.

We were trying to talk about love and it turned into a larger discussion of truth. And in particular, whether there were absolute truths or whether truth was transient.

This is difficult to do while managing iTunes, the laptop plug, cheese, and company. BUT. suffice it to say that there was an excellent metaphor that went something. like. this. :

"Picture a car driving down a road. You are going to take a picture of it and you can either take a snap photo and see it clearly OR take a slightly longer exposure and get an accurate picture of the scenario (the motion, which defines its behavior and place in the world) BUT that one will be blurry and you won't see the parts of the car. Which is the truer image of the car?"

Boom. We think weird things well.

Addendum by Leah: "I think there are absolute truths but we can't access them! And human absolutes are false because absolutes are timeless and changeless and humans are by nature, um, not timeless and not changeless, not permanent. So they (their truths) contradict each other and cannot be True. Therefore love, isn't permanent. And we put too much stock into something that ... is so ... move-able. That's not the right word I'm looking for. Inconsistant?"
"Inconstant?"
"All of the above."
"BUT. Just because we aren't able to directly access these things doesn't preclude them from existing. We see evidence of things in our own behavior that give us clues to who we are that we can't explain like our favorite colors or... y'know. Stuff. Also, math exists absolutely but we aren't able to straight up observe it... or not in a pure way..."
"But these things are a lot easier to identify and completely self-reliant... you can prove them individually. Whereas love, and loving another, relies so much on the other person. Relies/involves/affects--all three--the other person."
"Disagree. Things can't be true if they involve someone else? I'm saying these are absolutes."
"We can't access the absolutes when they are dependent on something that is not absolute. E.g., a person. Not that that person is i *RANDOM DISCUSSION* ... No, that person is kind of inconstant. People are. *MUSICAL INTERLUDE* 'People are'... Math exists outside of humans. These aren't human absolutes. Colors exist outside of humans. Perception of colors makes them real but they still exist. Whereas love between people doesn't exist without those people. Particular people."

And this turned into our discussion of human souls. I was trying to argue that people were absolutes themselves because we have eternal souls.

OH secondary excellent metaphor. I have this idea that your soul determines who you are fundamentally and your mind negotiates the soul's will and rides your body through the world as your soul sorta pulls strings. But we aren't conscious of our souls except by observing patterns in our own behavior. Seen only through the lens of the mind. Twice.

But the metaphor:
The body is a boat riding upstream, the mind is the crew of the ship, and the soul is the destination just offshore.

"I think I'm about done. Do you wanna add anything else?"
"Mmmm... I don't think so. I'm right, you're wrong? ... Just kidding"

Lazy Sunday

2010-01-31T20:55:00.002-06:00

Got out of bed at 4 and played guitar. Now shower and then bar.

I think I figured out what I want to do for percussion :)

Coupla Weeks

2010-01-29T02:58:00.003-06:00

Emptying my camera. These are all kinds of out of order.

I finally bought food today. For the first time since July.

Noelia visited with Greg. And we ran into Jason, which was great.

Other awesome nights:

"Wake Up Exhausted" Cover

2010-01-29T02:49:00.002-06:00

Great, great song about living in the same city as your ex. Originally by Tegan and Sara. There's a lot of this going around lately.

Also I haven't played any guitar in like a week or two and I feel like I've improved since then somehow. Is that super weird?

Hope you like it.

Hmm.

2010-01-21T20:13:00.002-06:00

How do you keep someone with you without coercion or force? or manipulation? especially when you move along an unknowable path?

erk;hlnm?ASGH

2010-01-15T14:18:00.004-06:00

We can't "have it all" with only two hands. Too much to carry at once.

Solutions:

Asceticism

Sharing

...I think that's all!

Hand Achin' Good Time

2010-01-12T16:13:00.004-06:00

I slept really funny. I slept like the dead from 3AM-ish to 1PM-ish.

I'm pretty sure my brain is digesting something hard. I couldn't make any music I was happy with all day until now. Which is way way longer than normal. But I've been meaning to record this song so it worked out.

Sorry for the horrible audio distortion. I gotta figure that out.

Something January-y

2010-01-04T15:13:00.003-06:00

Got a new webcam. You can tell.

And here's a recent philosophy kernel:

it's on the shoulders of good men to direct the violence of bad men to good ends. but who will categorize us?

Run Devil Run

2009-12-27T19:27:00.002-06:00

Here's a super super simple cover of Jenny Lewis' "Run Devil Run" using my loop pedal and new microphone!

Months and Months

2009-12-09T21:31:00.009-06:00

It's December. These photos start in... September?

"Rain" (a Beatles cover band)

Murphy's with friends of friends

Sling Blade taught me to love the McGriddle

I love Greg

Sheldon is cool too

I even like DeKalb. Check out the House Cafe!

And we saw a free classic horror movie. Vincent Price rocks.

Then I went home.

The one time I ate Chinese this year.

Then I went to a wedding in Iowa.

The wedding party.

Shannon was at Mike n' Molly's.

LAUGHING PRAIRIE DOG FESTIVAL NIGHT:

Pet Lions. Pretty good live! Fun little Chicago band.

Common Loon was kinda mind blowing. Plus that guy's Jazzmaster is GORGEOUS. Listen to their stuff, see them if you can.

Headlights also really really good live, as always. It is pretty adorable the way Erin and Tristan look at each other while playing :D

Then Smoking Popes came on. They sucked. We left. I took a picture, but I regret it. They are as ugly as they are untalented.

Turns out Mel was bellydancing at Luna the same night! Crazy! They were dancing to some 217mafia DJs. It was unusual but very interesting.

Ran into a lovely couple who considered afterhoursing with us. They ultimately declined but...

They missed out on some fun and weirdness.

*****

And here's an interesting loop I made. Took me maybe 20 minutes for this little clip, but I like it. It's fun to loop stuff and pretty easy once you're used to it.

Oh, and my friends Lauren and Jenny saw Andrew Bird the other night. Apparently he ditched his band and is back to looping tracks together. THANK GOD. HIS BAND YEARS SUCKED.

Children's Names

2009-12-06T03:07:00.002-06:00

I wanted to name my kids after fast food chains, then I wanted to make up fake Hebrew names... but I think I thought of an actually amazing name for a son: "Hymn." It's a pun, an unusual word, it's short, and it's old fashionedy in a subtle way. Perfect.

Mayonaise (Acoustic)

2009-12-04T02:42:00.003-06:00

Smashing Pumpkins cover. (Couldn't sleep)

UGH. Videos.

2009-12-04T01:28:00.004-06:00

So I really enjoy playing guitar (it's practically all I do now). And I've been recording videos to share them... but it's too much. I had them on youtube and they would automatically publish to my facebook... but I think this is a better spot for them actually. So yeah. I'll re-record some but here's the most recent.

This is me playing Gold Guns Girls by Metric with my new loop pedal. It's pretty damn far from finished, but I'm happy that it's recognizable considering this is my second month with a guitar and second day with a pedal.

Laughing Prairie Dog Preamble

2009-12-04T01:17:00.002-06:00

Music of the moment:

Jess is super cool and she turned me on to this song:

WOW.

Also, the other day I woke up a full three hours before my alarm and couldn't sleep so I went for a walk to quiet my mind and my mp3 player played me this:

Fate?

***

Later today is the Laughing Prairie Dog festival at canopy. I bought tickets, then won tickets. Jess is coming to town and I'm taking her :) Should be really nice! Headlights and Pet Lions (and several other bands I hear are amazing).

More to come!

Jay's Story

2009-11-24T02:33:00.001-06:00

This is the tale of my friend Jay on the way to the GRE today. In his own words:

Today was an interesting day. Due to my slackassery, I registered for the GRE far later than I should have. This meant I had to drive to Peoria today for the test. Along the way I notice my car is having electrical problems; the stereo would turn itself off when I used the blinkers and eventually the blinkers became ineffective as well. The ... Read Morepower steering belt had managed to vitiate itself, and this meant the battery was slowly draining since the alternator couldn't put out enough juice to handle the fault steering system. So the entire time I'm already driving with no power steering, and anyone who's driven a car without power steering knows what an exhausting endeavor this is. But once I reach Bloomington, I notice that the car is starting to sputter - the fuel injection is starting to fail. I missed the exit for Peoria in Bloomington and had to take an off ramp to turn around, and once the car stopped it wouldn't start again since there was no fuel injection. This car also has the wonderful feature of locking the steering wheel when its electronics fail sometimes, so I couldn't even steer the car out of the way. Luckily for me, the wheels were already somewhat turned so I awkwardly let it roll backwards until it was perpendicular with the road. This was a delicate maneuver, since it was one of those steep hills with loose gravel you often see at highway off ramps and I didn't want the car to roll into certain oblivion. Now here I am, at 3 PM, and I need to be taking a test by 4:30 PM. Fuck me. So I call AAA and they say they can get to me by 4:15, and I'm still at least 45 minutes from my destination. Keep in mind, if I don't make it to this test, I am rejected from graduate school by default. So I cancel that pickup, and call a cab company. They say 20 minutes, he shows up 45 minutes later, and I say "I'm sorry you came all the way out here but you're too late." I wasn't about to pay the ridiculous bill if I wasn't going to make the test. At this point I was hoping for some sort of stand in with ETS (the company that gives the tests). I call the test center in Peoria to ask about possible dates in the future with any location, and they basically tell me that's impossible. They do tell me though that they can try to over ride the automatic shutdown of the computer so I can get there as late as 5:30 PM. Now once I heard this, I really wish I hadn't just turned the cab away and that I'd waited for the tow truck. I have to call the cab company again and I don't have time for the tow truck still. While I'm waiting, a very serious police officer on a motorcycle comes by to ask me what happened. I look at him a little incredulously and say "my car broke down." He starts to tell me about my car being a hazard even though it wasn't on the road. He says if I don't get it towed he'll make sure the state police impound it. What a guy. And I hear this knowing I have to abandon the car since I cannot wait for the tow truck. The mustachioed police man then rides off. The sun is starting to get lower and I am starting to get cold. I somehow managed to grab the wrong sweatshirt, so my old hole-filled hoodie is all that's keeping me warm. After standing around getting cold, and swinging a stick I find around like a 10 year old pretending to be a ninja, the cab arrives and I am on my way. I left a note on the car saying it was disabled and I would tow it later hoping that would save it from being impounded. Then we take off at around 4:45. My cab driver's name is Jim, and I tell him my situation. Being the crazy awesome man he is, he drives 100 mph to get me there on time. I have a sandwich and some caffeinated goodness in hopes it will help me focus more during the test. I am calling the test center as we get nearby so I can make sure I don't miss it. The very nice woman I am speaking with throughout this ordeal says she is going to try to start the computer without me so it doesn't automatically shut down. I tell her she has my permission, my signature, my power of attorney - whatever she needs to make it happen. I thank Jim and say I'm sorry I don't have any cash for a tip and I don't have time to wait around to do it electronically and I promise to call and make sure he gets his well-deserved bonus. I run into the test center and they make me sign some forms and I start the wonderful joy that is standardized testing. After a few hours of this, I leave and start walking towards downtown Peoria looking for somewhere warm to wait for a cab. I had no idea this test center was so far from anything, because I must have walked a couple of miles before reaching a gas station and I was freezing. In the gas station I am once again on the phone calling all the people I need to call: AAA, cab companies, state police, my parents. The state police say they haven't impounded my car *yet*. So like everything else today, time is of the essence. The tow company won't come to pick me up until I am with the car, and they say it will take 90 minutes. Knowing if I call AAA back I will get someone else, I call again and tell them I am waiting. I get a cab, which once again took far longer than it should have to arrive, and after the joy of discovering one of my credit cards isn't working and worrying about overdrawing my debit account to make sure I get a *chance* of having my car not be impounded, I am off and on my way. My new cab driver is named Jerry, and he used to work for Caterpillar. We talk about the economy and whatnot and I eat another sandwich (I am so glad I packed sandwiches). I get to my car and the tow truck is waiting. The tow truck driver is named Alan and he's super chipper. He's just always smiling and I love it. He used to be a farmer and loves his new job since it involves a paycheck and a lot less work. He gets me to Champaign where I drop off the car to be serviced. This time my defunct credit card works. Yay! I then walk home with all of the stuff I put in my car expecting to take with me to Chicago tonight. Then I write about it on facebook.

Stay tuned tomorrow to find out how and if I get to Chicago. And don't miss the exciting conclusion where I find out how I get to Oklahoma in time for Thanksgiving after booking the flights for the wrong week!

Obviously an awesome life :D

The 22nd

2009-11-22T18:56:00.004-06:00

Today, a staffer asked me if she could get some change. I told her to consider the fundamental principle of Buddhism: that the source of suffering is your desire, not the situation. And that she didn't need change.

Then I looked in her drawer. She definitely did need change, so I got her some. But for a second she had a profound revelation. I'm pretty sure.

11/21/2009

2009-11-21T22:30:00.004-06:00

"False Advertising" by Bright Eyes.

This song has some overlapping parts and an intentional mistake (listen to the lyrics and it's obvious where), so... yeah... I did my best.

I think this song is kinda profound, though I interpret it to mean something other than what I think he actually meant. In the song, the protagonist is a puppet to some force (sounds like Bright Eyes' building fame, and the timing is right for him to write about that). He watches ice melt off houses and realizes he's advertising for a soul he doesn't have. He goes off and spends time with his friends and continues enjoying his life.

Ostensibly, soullessness freed him? I think that isn't how it works but it's how it can be seen. I think he realizes his soul isn't something he HAS, it's who he is. It amounts to the same thing as soullessness since souls are essentially thought of as the spiritual equity we build living moral lives (and if we build enough, we end up in a pearly-gated community). By rejecting this notion and embracing a truly Good life of magnanimous friendship, he proves both that he has a soul and doesn't, depending on the sense of the word.

While it might not have been his intended message, I think that interpretation is practically above reproach. Though the vocabulary might have been weird. I'm in a strange mood.

For the record, I think he meant, "Fuck this. I'm gonna drink. I don't care. Whatever."

Zwei Sacher

2009-10-08T00:01:00.011-05:00

Update:

Just for clarity: 1 and 2 are unrelated tidbits of life. Also I amn't BFF with anybody in the Headlights, I just ran into some of 'em. (I also met Tristan outside Cowboy Monkey the other night too! He was like "I don't really do the bar scene. I don't drink much." And then took a big swig out of a flask :D )

"I dunno. I don't want to be tied down but I don't want to share either. I suppose I'm holding out for someone who makes me prefer not being free? At which point I'll resign myself to slavery and call that Love."

After seeing the Headlights nearly a month ago, Frances and I were milling around waiting for the crowd to disperse. We were right by the stage and she was looking for a setlist. Erin Fein (the female vocalist/keyboardist) had left her list by her instrument and Francey half-crawled onto the stage and snagged it.

The next night I went to a party where the Headlights were supposed to be playing. As I showed up, so did a bunch of cops who told them they couldn't go on because of the noise.

(

OH GOD! SUDDEN MEMORY! I got there before the cops, found the bathroom, and there were two girls in there. One was like "No, this is a bad idea" and the other was like "Hey. Bang my head into the wall. I have the hiccups." So this one really happy chick literally WOULD NOT LET ME use the bathroom in peace unless I abused her a little. Weirdest thing of my life. I banged her head into the wall gently and she was like "NO! HARDER!" and I gave her a firm push, cushioning the back of her head with my hand, and she was like "MY HICCUPS ARE GONE!" Exeunt drunkies.

)

Anyway, after that, I commiserated with Tristan and Erin from the band and even got a picture with Erin! Basically the best thing ever. Especially since I'd just seen them for the first time on the previous night and it was even better than I'd expected.

Me: "No concert? Let's just accapella this one! C'mon, we'll help you out!"
Erin: "Ha! Who is this guy? I like him!"
"Hey I'm leaving but can I get a picture?"
"Yes. Put it on facebook?"
"Absolutely!"

Made my month. Just sayin'.

So I put up this picture on facebook, all proud, and thought nothing more of it.

A week or so later, Frances gets bored of the setlist and gives it to me. Of course, I'm still sorta starstruck and I'm all psyched about it. It goes on the fridge.

Yesterday, I noticed some ink on the other side of the page and unfolded it. Poem on the inside! Oh man!

Today, for the first time since the show when we became facebook friends, I see Erin on the chat thinger. Turns out it's her brother's poem and lyrics from his band Gazelle! But, with her permission, here's the poem!

I'll Be Late Again
by Adam Fein

If I didn't make any sense
Then I'm sorry for ever coming
And if this is circumstance
Then I'll be late again

If you call and say that you're well
I'd never have called the weather
All through this immovable stance
We've still been together

(This may be a partial poem. This post is really just about my life and weird cosmic timing with the poem/facebook)

Weight?

2009-09-20T18:20:00.003-05:00

Philosophy kinda ruined my life. Nobody has any clue what I'm talking about anymore.

**

Triviality
Is a gift; without it we'd
Agonize, always.

My monastic me
Be zen. Ascetic. BE ZEN.
BE ZENNER!!! NOW!! SHIT!

**

"Maybe the weight was a gift/
Like I had to see what I could lift"

ArschRRRRRRR

2009-09-19T21:19:00.003-05:00

People aren't the same day to day. How can we be expected to find someone for the rest of our lives when we can't pick a favorite movie?

**

God and booze both make
Us immortal and much more
Fragile than we knew

Were we glasses, God
Would tell us we were the air
And shattering's good

And booze would insist
We were the glass itself but
Shards are permanent

Headlights

2009-09-17T02:10:00.003-05:00

Saw the Headlights. Awesome.

Imagine a bunch of drunk college kids dancing to this. I feel like they don't get it. I'm not the same kind of animal they are.

****

Is there someway that
We could lead beautiful lives
And not be liars?

I can't help it: my
Blood runs cold. My heart beats slow.
But passion's not love

Life, or Something Like It

2009-09-12T03:14:00.004-05:00

Years ago: Psychology BS, one class away from my Philosophy BA

Two days ago: Made up large playlist of songs I think Jessica would like in preperation for her visit on Saturday. Noted the Bright Eyes song "Method Acting." Remembered: "It's not a movie/ no private screening/ this method acting, well/ I call it living."

Yesterday: Thought about nature of Self in context of previous post. Losing Self in Love but not losing a sense of onesself... was your Self merely forgotten? Or traded out for a new shared identity?

Today: Watching Lost In Translation, had a conversation with a trusted and trusty friend. Asked if we acted according to scripts.

"Nope. Well. Maybe. How do you mean?"
"Walk into a store and they say, 'Hi how are you?' If you're getting married, what do you say? 'I do.' Etc."
"Yeah but you choose to say those things. It isn't scripted."
"Ok... hmmm. Well but you choose from a list of contextually appropriate things, not from a list of anything intelligible. The things that fit are chosen for you. You choose your character in society's script."
"That's true. But really really depressing."
"But doesn't that thought free you up to live more completely freely?"

And then I had to go to work.

***

Watchin' Glee, eating ramen, blogging. 4 AM.

I should do less. I should sit. still. and wait. and wait for something to really MOVE me. I spent a lot of time and money and energy on bars and restaurants and dates. But dispassionately. I think I'm gonna quit. Starting the 19th. I have to finish what's on my plate at least.

Oh and I got that haircut.

Completely Necessary Photography

2009-09-09T02:04:00.006-05:00

Setting.

Oddity.

Family and Friends.

Fashion.

Interior Design.

Cathartic Site.

I have always felt haircuts are very cathartic. I don't really know why. I used to carry a lot of shame and anger in my hair (when I was younger I had long hair that looked like a girl's), but now it just feels like history on my head. Like cornfields that are getting too dry in the late summer to mean anything. Time to be new... at 3 PM tomorrow at Abby's salon.

Driving Home

2009-09-09T01:25:00.002-05:00

I moved since I posted last April. I live near downtown Champaign now.

I was driving home just now through downtown and saw an old woman walking into the neighborhood along Randolph. She looked like a street urchin who used to beg in the area but it wasn't her.

The woman I knew, the urchin, was crazy hideous. The front of her face was slanted sideways like a cartoon's head jammed up against a window, she had really long dull-yellow nails, and was always angry. Once she beat against my window trying to get a ride across town yelling that she knew I was going there anyway.

Then I realized I hadn't seen her in probably two years. If she had anywhere to go, she would have gone all ready... did she freeze over the winter? Or get arrested and put in a home of some sort?

I was almost home now. This song was on the radio:

...which got me thinking about Amy. We talked about the song once. We talk a lot since I got to know her and her daughter back when she and I were 15. Amy is/was a phenomenal mom and woman.

And then I got thinking about parents. I realized I was going to blog this, unlocked my door, took off my work clothes, got some OJ and started typing.

I missed blogging, but I'll have to start thinking interesting things again.

WTF?!!?

2009-09-08T02:03:00.001-05:00

I HAVEN'T POSTED SINCE APRIL!?!?!?!!?

The Ex

2009-09-08T01:53:00.002-05:00

Simple ideas
Can stack and build grand ones but
Then can't be borrowed

***

(Generally I keep things short but this is how it came out. Been working on this in different incarnations for about a year.)

Expanding and Receding

I
held up Love like something to swallow me, like Summer eats tulips. Make me part of something else.

I always
knew I liked you a lot. Too much. Too much to not Love you. And I made it happen and you loved me back, after a year or so.

I always did
know that year killed us as much as made us. Whatever it was that you gave me, out of you, it wasn't given completely. Or right. Or yours to give or something. So

I always did everything
I could to keep it together with you. Working and cooking, seeing you every day. Later you would say,

"I always did everything too!"
And how I never learned to dance with you or you don't really like my friends. You don't really like me. I know. I knew.

I always did everything too slow.
We both knew we weren't in love. Or not the same kind of love. And after faking three years of course we can't be friends. I wish we'd told each other at the start.

If I'm a tulip, I'll be the roots. Permanent, blind, and a comfortable distance from the summer.

Apparency

2009-04-07T12:03:00.001-05:00

I read what I'd written a week hence while I was transcribing it and one of the senryu ends "I'm not a nice man." And I was like "hmm, today I feel like that isn't true." But really how do you judge it?

In a certain mood I would say a nice person is one who does nice things and in another mood I would say it's someone who doesn't do mean things. But almost every person has done both nice and mean things. Because of our really limited frame of reference, we don't have the equipment or experience to really look at who a person is over their lifetime. We don't have enough exposure to anyone but ourselves, normally, and even just thinking of yourself, how do you know what's enough?

Adjectives. Who needs 'em.

Transcription #1

2009-04-06T02:17:00.004-05:00

This is a transcription of the contents of a 50 page journal i kept for the past few weeks so i could write things down as they came up in my mind. I'm using ***'s for breaks between untitled segments, ( )'s for disorganized notes, and <>'s for editorial decisions.

This is mostly senryu. Of course.

***

Looking through windows
Catching familiar faces
Flying by in cars

Broke up with a girl
For wanting me too damn much
Stupid decision

(69, reciprocal.)

I am flirting with
a compliment, but that would
be flirting with you

"The world is so big
I forget to breathe and wish
I didn't have to"

***

"For your soul to talk, your body has to be present."
"Nah. We should trade in our souls for new ones. Are they under warranty do you think?"

***

I want love, but to
Be left alone. I just can't
Get comfortable

I want to be the
Shark that eats up all of you.
Was that romantic?

I am far too proud
Of the stupidest things,, of
Phrasings and polos

I am far too young
To be leading life or be
Feeling nostalgic

I'm derivative.
Haikus is simple at best
But that is the goal

Death seems so far off!
Find someone to love. Repeat
As necessary

Would I write about
Love and God if they weren't
Monosyllabic?

Dagger in the heart!
With love lost so profoundly,
I'm yet more cliche

It seems God loves us.
The ground itself comes up to
Greet us once a year

Laughter is a real
Honest animal noise. Thank
God we run the zoos!

I can promise you
I will always want to care
But might not always

I can't promise much.
We're swept up in others' tides
And never knew land

Isn't that the way?
Things just keep on going when
We've just got the jist

Shouting "fuck" to the
Crowded karaoke bar
Was better than sex

Thank you, Dad. Thank you
For college, my car, houses
And for having hair

I can't find a way
To tell you just how I feel
But can't stop trying

Mom was always there
To talk shit to cashiers with
Or argue dogma

Tentative Title:
Narcissist's Pocket Bible
By Daniel Hedin

I know this is a
Self-indulgent exercise
But why not indulge?

It can be useful,
Exploring limitation.
You learn what you need.

I grew to ruin
Everything with seventeen
Careful syllables

Why can't she believe
She's beautiful or she's loved?
... anything, really.

Your eyes see your world
All that can matter is you
When you're all that sees

Oh you emo kids...
I had feelings before they
Were so goddamn cool

Fruit is too sweet too.
A watery strawberry'd
Be appropriate.

It's smart to be a
Narcissist--nobody will
Ever love you more

That's about enough
No, seriously, stop it
I should stop to rest

Inoffensive folk
Likely keep to themselves their
Thoughts that would offend

"Honest assholes" aren't
Dedicated to the truth.
We are assholes first.

I bought a sofa
For no other reason but
So you could sit down

(Matthew Sweet --> download! Dry clean. Taxes.)

Reciprocity
Should be the core of love, but
Almost never is

There's just no excuse.
Vegans shouldn't do oral.
It's animal stuff!

Pocket Diary
Of Simple Clear Senryu
By Daniel Hedin

(there's the title.)

Hang out at the mall
On your day off. Cashiers make
Do for company.

How did I grow up
To have so many demons
And so little cash?

I am blessed with
Unflagging optimism
And a big smile

Can we stop? Let's not
Maximize efficiency
Or anything else

"Pack your lunchbox, son"
Then "Here's your briefcase, Honey"
Then "Dad's diaper's full!"

All our offices
Lay empty in the sun while
We dreamt happy dreams

Kids, wives, cars, houses
Tie you down until you are
Finally buried

Dead folk dust across
The wind, make webs in corners,
Keep us company

We all end up in
The same place. Or go nowhere.
Which might be better

I am looking for
A permanent solution
For a restless mind

I don't trust you girls.
Whatever you want to do,
I wish you wouldn't.

My heart's a table.
I should get coasters and some
Better metaphors.

Getting that phonecall
Made my week. Made it brighter.
Made waiting so hard.

I can't get angry.
Which blows. But I am getting
Real good at judging.

How did we ever
Get so damn lucky in love?
I've no idea.

Some romantic song
Just changed the world for some guy
Who still has no chance

It was a lie and
I'm easy to lie to, so
I get it. I guess.

Creative ethics
Should mean deeply exploring
What is truly good

I'm being swept up
In a wave of empty homes
And empty stomachs

I'm a lot of things
I learn that more as I lose
All my other things

Too much, too little
Doesn't seem to mean a thing.
It is what it is.

I watch it go like
Rumbling light in sunset clouds.
I know I'll miss it.

Old friends can come back.
Sometimes, you'll wish they hadn't.
The old you comes with.

Sunlight's sterilized
Through the hospital windows.
God accomodates.

Peace can only mean
Universal death when we
Are such savages

The culmination
Of all my years is just me.
Here I am. What now?

I never made art
Until I hated life and
Started living well

Hot breath on my neck.
Do you know you're so sexy?
You're asleep, aren't you.

Darling, I told you
I wanted you to be mine.
But I was wasted.

I had to wake her
To tell her she's amazing.
She rolled back over

We die everyday
At random. Without knowing.
Do something quickly.

If I grow to be
As old as my father's dad
I'd sure regret it

Do an old man's eyes
See the right choices clearer?
I'm sure that they don't.

Grown ups kid themselves.
Passing regret for wisdom
Is so juvenile.

Summer at the lake
With middle-Americans
Eating potluck-style

Award-winning ass
In both senses. And sadly
I can't help myself

Grass smell. Wiffle ball.
Fireflies. Charcoal pit. Coke.
Badly cooked hot dogs.

She was salty sweet
The first girl I ever kissed
And really meant it

Being the boss rocks
We fired the hot girl on
Her eighteenth birthday

After all this and
As much as I want to be
I'm not a nice man.

***

She stretched out and touched my face and yawned softly, pretending to still be asleep. I slid up behind her. She hummed approval at my arm across her stomach. I thought: "That's love, when you need the same lies." And we together continued to not really be asleep. She put her hips in mine and curled my hand in hers. I breathed hot air into her hair. She left an hour later. Two years past. Then I wrote this down.

***

Lifetime
My parents were religious. They thought they'd live forever.

They had a house with a yard, two kids in college, three cats. Our dog died.

They got thinking about death. I remember the stiff way Daisy lay in her narrow garden-grave. They got preoccupied. It was a church every Sunday and Family Church at home. So much eternal life we got sick of it.

My brother digested this. He said he wasn't religious if he was just afraid. He was a good man, though--don't ever doubt that.

I told my parents they were silly when I turned 18. I stopped going to church, too. Why did I need to worry about death anyway? I'm going to live forever.

***

I don't think of you anymore. I choose not to for the most part.

I saw a movie where a girl is in bed with a boy, she's got dark brown hair and she tells him she loves him and it's just right that he stole her car and fled the state because it brought them together. But the smile she gives him is all you: crazy and romantic and afraid of success. When you were comfortable with me, you'd smile so big you couldn't do anything else. Which is why I don't think of you anymore.

***

Simple exercise
Reshapes one's thoughts, body,
And I'm better now

Teach yourself something
Write, paint, cook, throw a curveball
Let yourself outside

Adventure

2009-04-06T01:09:00.002-05:00

I saw Adventureland and it un-blew my mind.

It's more of a love story than I expected and less funny. It's way smarter than I thought too. At one point, a character refers to a girl's ass as a Platonic ideal that exists in a world of forms. And the writing of the love is frank and unrealistic in a really innocent meant way. It's the way people try to love until they get really really shit on. The boy tells the girl he went on a date with someone else and they kissed and she tells him he doesn't owe her anything. He says, "But I want to owe you things."

If you're potentially unrealistic, you will love this movie. I know I did.

Addendum (See Previous Post)

2009-04-06T01:06:00.002-05:00

We can't recognize the directions we're moving in because we're part of such a huge movement. We haven't even been still a moment of our lives. The only peace we can know is what we've come to take as peace. Our stillness can only be relative stillness. The most we can do is to not resist the world spinning.

Derivative Derivatives

2009-04-05T02:03:00.004-05:00

I am an interesting combination of chemicals.

I was talking to someone about body hair and how I'm basically a grandpa. We went to Merry Ann's and I got coffee, vanilla ice cream, and a newspaper and realized I am DEFINITELY a grandpa. On the way home from Merry Ann's, I heard this song:

"...everyone you know, someday, will die.
Instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life don't last
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round"

And I thought, "how will I teach my kids about the earth's rotation? I guess I'll show them something disappearing behind a hill and then just tell them. I wish I knew a way where they could figure it out for themselves. But if they could see themselves on the planet in their mind, they'd be so remarkable. Humans lived millenia without figuring that out spontaneously. The concepts of a kid are way way too fragile to leap forward that gracefully without some really careful and precise parenting.

But thinking of myself in the future, I'm not ready at all for that kind of thing. After all, just today, I was doubting my affiliation with my own generation. How can I move forward in that? I'd need to redefine all of that.

And I find that whatever I try to be, I am what I am. I'm going in a direction that was sort of created in me. Whatever I am, I can't be my own source. I choose what I do, but how do I choose what I choose?

Then I thought of myself on the planet, moving in looping circles around an axis around the sun in a broad spiral in a universe in motion. I'm in a unique spot. And as you read this I'm in another. And maybe no one will ever be there again. And I'm moving with a vector that I have no way of measuring or even noticing, and that vector is changing every bit as imperceptibly. Am I myself? My path? The arc of my path? How much of me do I encompass and where's the line between me and other people?"

Leg-burn

2009-04-05T02:01:00.002-05:00

It seems like such a wild preoccupation
Guess I'm not in touch with my generation
But I'm still not an old man
Don't rightly know just what I am
I hope that I am free

Santeria is Mexican Magic

2009-04-03T14:47:00.005-05:00

I hadn't understood the lyrics to this song until I sang it karaoke. And it's spectacular.

Lyrics:

I dont practice santeria
I aint got no crystal ball.
I had a million dollars but I,
I spent it all.
If I could find that heina and that sancho that shes found,
Well Id pop a cap in sancho and Id slap her down.

What I really wanna know,
My baby, what I really want to say I cant define.
Well its love,
That I need
But my soul will have to,

Wait till I get back and find heina of my own.
Daddys gonna love one and all.
I feel the break,
Feel the break,
Feel the break and I got to live it up,
Oh, yea huh, well I swear that i.
What I really wanna know, baby,
What I really want to say I cant define.
That love make it go,
My soul will have to...

What I really wanna say,
My baby,
What I really wanna say is Ive got mine.
And Ill make it, yes, Im coming up.

Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him he best go run and hide.
Daddys got a new .45.
And I wont think twice to stick that barrel straight down sanchos throat.
Believe me when I say that I got somethin for his punk ass.
What I really wanna know, my baby,
What I really wanna say is theres just one,
Way back,
And Ill make it, yea,
But my soul will have to wait.

Senryu 3

2009-03-25T18:29:00.003-05:00

There are lots of things
I maybe should have told you
Oh well. Whatever.

I wish I hadn't
Fucked all those other people.
That was weird to say.

Going on living...
It's quite a lot of pressure...
Unavoidable

Two kinds of happy:
Smelling that girl-hair smell and
Recognizing yours

Life is complex and
Crucial seconds pass as soft
As any other

I miss when you used
To love the shit out of me
Those were some good times

Pocket diary
Of simple clear senryu
By Daniel Hedin

Don't hide your heartbreaks
That crinkle can only be
Proof you felt something

I will be the root
And you can be the flower
Love is ownership

Women aren't waiting
In rows on some shelf to be
Bought and owned by men

The things we forget
We can never truly miss
And can't know it's sad.

Do we carry that?
Is our ennui something we
Can't find to remove?

Cold empty clean streets
Would we be happier with
Crowded dirty roads?

Mankind is kudzu
Sprawling over everything
And not growing up

I used to think that
Grown ups knew everything but
We don't have a clue!

What if I forget
All your details and wrinkles?
Your explosive smile?

Wouldn't it be good
If God said curse words like "fuck"
And not be bashful

Seasonal changes
Hot air cools when the night comes
And winter clings on

Unfamiliar wind
New bird chirps herald in spring
I forgot so much!

Little budding plants
In warm sun making useless
My winter wardrobe

Grab a camera for
A miniscule adventure.
Document success.

You don't sing out loud,
Sing songs like they're inside you.
Why sing songs at all?

Living too stylish;
Black and white photos are hip
But color completes.

Marriage seems like a
Great way to live the same week
Over and over

I can understand
Wanting just one girl for life.
When does that set in?

Stay in bed all day
Pizza, movies, sex and beer
The perfect day off.

Should I be ashamed?
After all, my Mom reads these.
(Dad's down. No worries)

Bookends

2009-03-25T03:47:00.003-05:00

Two awesome things happened today, one on each side of work:

Ashton (a staffer at my job) told me a story about a customer who hates it when you tell him, "Enjoy your movie!" Apparently we shouldn't tell him what to do. I told her his idea was self-refuting because he's telling us what to do with respect to what to tell him.

And she went, "Oh you're a philosophy major aren't you." Haha :D

And the other awesome thing. After work, I rushed to karaoke. I told Casey to sign me up for something. As I was parking my car, I got a text. As I walked to the bar, I read: "Where are you, we are singing!" As I walked into the bar, someone handed me a mic. It was as if God wanted me to sing this song with Casey:

Good day, huh?

"Two" ?

2009-03-24T12:18:00.002-05:00

Ben Folds with the West Australian Symphony Orchestra - Evaporated

This song made me emo before it was super hip to feel feelings.

"I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out...
It evaporated... see?"

Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet

2009-03-24T04:03:00.002-05:00

This chorus is amazing. I was trying to put this into words in like half of the senryu on here.

"I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
I'm beginning to think
Baby, you don't know"

Senryu 1.5

2009-03-09T01:50:00.004-05:00

For sticklers, arrows have no syllables!

****

My sense of humor
Is not for everybody
Here's an example:

I'm a sick fuck but
Not a serial killer...
Count it as a win!

Plus I realized
I have some unknown readers?
"sick fuck" --> ego boost!

Senryu 2

2009-03-09T01:26:00.002-05:00

I think the only necessary context for any of this might be that I smoked a cigarette. And that cigarette made it to my profile picture on facebook and a bunch of people sent me messages like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo Don't do it, Dan!!!!"

Relax. I smoke like one cigarette every four months or so.

*****

Then she just freaked out
Not everybody's okay
But we all still try

A necessity
In seventeen syllables:
Personality

Smoking cigarettes
We're all ash anyway, right?
Burn all the way down.

If dead we are ash,
Our lives must be a fire.
I hope it catches.

I'm an uptight drunk
I rant about love and God
Then puke on your bed

I missed P'diddle.
Like a song that you'd forgot,
it's coming back now.

Let's be candid! So...
Ok. Start. Now. Go ahead!
I'm nervous! You first.

Hopeless romantics
Find it easier without
Any teasing hopes

Heard it didn't count
My one night stand's not legit
Who made all these rules?

I wish I knew some-
One who knew their worth was all
They would ever need

I do love women
Probably too much, in fact.
But I hate humans

Some red beers in the
Middle of the night won't make
Faux pas go away

Let's go on a date
Sit in the dark and not talk
At some new movie

Seventeen word chunks
To cover human weakness.
We're impossible.

Biscuits and gravy
Warm comfort at 2 A.M.
For just six dollars

Empty houses, ripe
For teenaged parties or the
Occasional life

Occasionally
Civilization is an
Awful waste of life

Occasional lives
Turn seasons with the same folk
We should all be so

Cold breeze on my face
Reminds me of old winters
And how they passed too

Bruised hearts are asleep
To touch twists in sharp needles
I am far too blunt

Baby it's cold out
You're shivering in a coat
Just come back inside

Why can't we be still
I'll lay my cold feet on yours.
You restless woman

I'm sure now there is
no escape. Not for any
of us anymore.

Isn't it perfect
The way the light's in your eyes
But you can't see it

Let me buy a drink
For you,'ve something about you
That's not ruined yet

It's all I can do
To lay waste to myself, a
Gesture meant for you

People live alone
With their families alone with
All their unborn dreams

All those wretched girls
Living with their bitch-burdens,
Are hurt deep... so what?

It's a downhill fight
We're all rushing towards a thing
We've not considered

And what if we're all
Too far gone to be turned back
At the precipice?

Even Jesus says
"All who know me before God"...
Where can we find God?

Cos it's nowadays
Not everyone could be saved
Prince of Peace, come on

That's no blasphemy
When churches preach " 'WAR!!' says the
Savior of us all"

I hope we got it
Wrong. So every blessed one
Can have a real chance.

Roll in dirt like dogs
I'd rather be anything
But sick, selfish man

Man's worse than woman
I thought. Maybe she just plays
The better victim.

It's every man
Who wanted to marry you
All dying inside

Watchmans

2009-03-07T00:14:00.003-06:00

I saw Watchmen and it blew my mind. The book was huge and famously "unfilmable," but I was really pleased.

SPOILER ALERT. THE FOLLOWING MAY RUIN THE MOVIE FOR YOU.

There is graphic violence. Shots of dogs' skulls split open, lingering views of people covered in boiling oil, people disintegrated into piles of bloody garbage, etc. And there's a split decision by the heroes about the right course of action. A person kills millions in a plot to unite the two sides of the Cold War against a common enemy, ostensibly saving billions of lives. The killer makes it appear that the hero Dr. Manhattan has perpetrated the mass murder and that he has become too far detached from humanity. Half the heroes agree to hide the information and half think it would be right to reveal the truth even though it would doom the US and Russia to return to their standoff and future nuke-off.

Rorschach, the most violent and psychotic of the characters by most accounts, insists that the truth must be told and begins marching back to civilization to the great reveal. Dr. Manhattan, an omni-powerful but inhuman being who has just learned to go on valuing life in the previous scene, follows him and kills him to save the billions of people from the nukes.

Manhattan says to Rorschach, "I can change anything, but I can't change human nature." And throughout the movie, Rorschach preaches that the sick sadistic world we live in is the product of human nature, and Manhattan agrees for the most part (though he doesn't see the point). But Rorschach embodies both the height of the grotesque product of human desires, and the potential for our desire for virtue. He murders people horribly and his psychosis is the direct result of years of crazy abuse. At the same time he's absolutely unflinchingly devoted to his principles, even, in the end, openly opposing Manhattan (an obvious proxy for God).

Ultimately, Watchmen is really hopeful about humanity and really disheartening about the world. 'There can be,' it says, 'People so good that they will stop at nothing to support Good. They will even challenge the system (Ozymandias) and God (Manhattan).' But these people are rare and easily stopped.

Hm. Agreed. I'd say that's a win for humanity though?

Censorship!!

2009-03-03T04:19:00.002-06:00

I was totally censored! I wrote a poem about a story somebody told me about their ladyparts, and they were like TAKE THAT DOWN!!!!! Which I did after a short debate. But I implore you, good people, is it wrong to put up anonymous stuff that springs out of someone's personal experience? I would never NAME a person or anything... ? Am I wrong?

Claire Asked Me To

2009-03-03T02:46:00.002-06:00

I like to blog but I think I got most of my big thoughts out. And in my life it's like "Work, sleep, sing karaoke, repeat" so what do I really have to say? Nothing much about that.

I sang "All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers and that was really fun. hmm.....

I'll come up with more stuff! I still love senryu!

If you're reading this, thanks for the interest.

Senryu #1

2009-03-03T02:41:00.001-06:00

I'm a movie buff
Lover, philosopher and
I read comic books

Was this whole dumb thing
Because I had had too much
Of Katy Perry?

I've got a dream: by
Any means necessary:
Free at last from war.

Sex with strangers and,
At the risk of a bad pun,
I've got my free,dom

Lie. Like purity's
Got anything to do with
Pain, et cetera

New Romance: let's have
A series of dinners and
one night stands after

Ignore the nice chick
Self-sabotage can be fun
Go for the psycho

Magic underpants
Mine literally work each
And every time

It always works out
We just fall through time, sideways
Always blindsided

What'd it mean, then?
Can't be known in this short time
Which is all I've got

I think Man is Good
Fundamentally worthwhile
Though I can't see how

An artpiece stares back
Motionlessly guarding a gem
Of human intent

Free will or some fate?
We choose for ourselves, yes, but
God chose our selves, right?

Red hair and red lips
Blue eyes take in all that's there
And don't seem impressed

It's just so common
What is the point anyway?
Of wearing these "clothes" ?

I can commit but
Forever's a long, long time
On one service plan

The last day of snow
Fantastic soft pink sunset
I took no picture

White interior
White people, white sheets. No stain
Marrs or entertains

This slow craziness
Is holding your breath, trying
To not need the next

I never thought that
You were crazy. Thought you had
Something on your mind.

"Nice guys finish last,"
"But that misses the point, hun:
Nice guys do not race."

Women are flowers.
If you want them to blossom
Shit all over them

Then I'd say that I'm
Socially constipated.
Or unromantic?

"Got a phone number!"
"How many days do you wait?"
"Do you mean hours?"

First-date-style small talk
Favorite color? Food? Book?
"Oh, and I do coke"

Good to get that one
Right out of the way, I s'pose.
Favorite movie?

My second fav'rite
is 200 Cigarettes.
First would be Redbelt.

Stupid is the goal.
Ignorance is bliss. Booze and
Love to blind yourself.

I often think on
God saying "It is Good" of
Creation, and us.

Insomnia. Forced
Hours making magic, waking
And not getting it

A bouquet of dicks
Is a bad gift. But flowers
are plant genitals... ?

I got everything
All I wanted really, but
Should've wanted more

Running out of space
Living on a small budget...
Time to dream bigger.

We are Heaven's trash
You'll find everything ends up
Here in the gutter

The dame taught me some
Etymology and then
she divorced a knight.

Humanity is
A glorious growth on Earth
And batshit crazy

***

This might be cheating:

"...have my lips the sin
that they have took?" "Sin from thy
lips? O trespass sweet..."

**************

Haiku #0

2009-02-09T02:23:00.004-06:00

Apparently there's a limit on how many letters you can put in the "About Me" on facebook. So I'm moving my recent haiku fixation here. I wrote one I really like about a year ago, then nothing, then two or three, then like 40 yesterday. This is what I have so far:

"

I WAS LIED TO IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. SOME MOTHERFUCKER TOLD ME 3-5-3 HAIKU WERE ALLOWED. NOT SO. MY APOLOGIES, JAPANESE PEOPLE. CONSIDER ALL 3-5-3 HAIKU TO BE SANRYU. THESE ARE ALL SANRYU ANYWAY. DAMMIT.

Is
This allowed
Too?

I
Suppose... why
Not?

And!
What about
This:

...
Nope
...

Lately, I'm
Obsessed with haiku
It's not hard

Learn a brand
New economy:
Syllables.

Good haikus exhale
A breath of a season out
Traditionally

Unfortunately
People who live today don't
Wait on the seasons

Sometimes I think that
Rules were made to be broken
In the balmy spring

Syllables
Are a consequence
Of our mouths

Anatomy is
Our foundational limit.
We're stuck. We're humans.

Words, like streams, are best
When they have to work their way
Around obstacles

Our paths are
Equally full of
Obstacles

Negotiate an
Interesting solution.
Or die, I suppose

I wonder
If God writes Himself
With an H

Humor is
Something you can see
But not read

Every day
It's like God is jo-
King with me

Remember:
Civilization
Is bullshit

***

Get It??

How could I
Ever even get
Your first name?

***

Suitors don't
Often think themselves
Litigious

"I love you"
Is a way to say
"Transference"

Love is pretty much
Some miscommunications
And a few sex acts

I don't believe it.
Any of it really, but
The syllables work

Shit's fucked up
Been that way a while.
Back to bed

Hey skeptical friends,
Where's your sense of adventure
For crazy ladies?

"Hey I noticed you
And I have no moves at all
But you are GORGEOUS"

Yeah, she is pretty
Unromantic. She asked me,
"What's cuddling for?"

"You are way
Too deep for me." "That's
What she said."

I-love-you's
Disingenuous.
We love love.

I found you out and,
Tragedy of tragedies,
Turns out we're alike

I'm just drunk enough
To mean all my pure romance
And not remember

We can't be happy
Til we exhaust ourselves, make
-ing the other sad

Bacon and fried eggs,
Movies all day long. Told you
She's crazy in bed

I must tell you this
But it's kind of complex, so
Bear with me, ok?

The indigenous
Pygmies use ev'ry part of
The missionary

We spend our money
On swords and games. Neon lights
Shine in our windows.

The sun used to shine.
It still might. But we just don't
Bother to look now

Peace can't be
A process when it
Is stillness

We are not ready
For peace is the opposite
Of our growth. Our lives.

But we can choose to
Be still until we are moved
If we know how to

I am an island.
I don't need anyone else
And I'm in the sea

God: "Cluster of cells,
Bloom and become My blessed
Teenaged nihilist."

Story of my life:
Cry Eat Sleep, School, Work, Love Shit.
Hmm. Compact haiku.

I should have said I'd
Make-love the shit out of you
But I'm not that smooth

She asked me
"Are you into scat?"
"I like jazz..."

I am a
Little Cersar: hot
And ready

"I love you!" "Is love
So unserious?" "Well then...
Let's get naked." "Deal."

***

Forced to Form:

Men are born assholes
And women are conditioned.
Five more syllables...

"

Notes

2009-01-24T21:38:00.003-06:00

1. My absent best friends insist I should continue sharing my thoughts. I think that's sweet. Sweet like touching. Occasionally I'll say something and feel really proud of my English. And I hope that comes through in my life.

2. I got a request at karaoke! A table of women, led by a regular named Julee, were like "Are you Dan!? Can you sing us a song!?" and all introduced themselves. They wanted me to meet their friend Simone who had come for the first time. And then I sang Creep by Radiohead and I heard it sounded good. It can be hard to tell. Woot!

3. I was thinking about how people in all places deal with the same problems. And everywhere that there are people, there's some level of agriculture and hunting/herding, housing, etc... "civilization." So are people inherently civilized?

No. That's all reactionary. It might be that this stuff defines humanity, but if you had any thinking being it might come to the same conclusions. Rain --> houses. Hunger --> food production. etc --> etc.

But there are other universals. Music of some type exists in every human civilization that I'm aware of, and community and language... You could argue language is a reaction. "We needed it in order to organize, so we produced it." Or community: "How else could we procreate?" But music and art...

I feel like art is evocative only to humans. And humans produce art just through their lives... and appreciate art involuntarily. Maybe that's what makes us human? Even if it's as simple as making an effort to use interesting words or something.

4. I fired a guy and I was really glad to do it. He sucked.

5. Miss you, Chris, Greg, parents, Jimmy, Celia, Claire, Drew, Harold, Robert, Barbara, everybody.

Update: Forgot to end 3. Here it is:

So if we aren't inherently civilized and art defines us then we're inherently passionate. It's our nature not to reason out solutions but to explore our sensitivities and explore creatively. Broadening our creativity, then, would be to live fully. And that would be, in essence, the opposite of civilization. Reason degrades humanity.

URGENT BULLETIN!

2009-01-13T17:25:00.001-06:00

I was told I should update my blog... so I did. BOOYAH.

Bought Pants!

2008-11-20T15:28:00.001-06:00

I should probably keep running in that case. Or start again, I should say.

Argument For Democratization of Divine Authority

2008-11-19T04:56:00.002-06:00

I can't remember if I blogged this before or not.

Faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain. Either no one has faith, or we misunderstand the relationship between faith and miracles. Let's go with the second one.

Jesus talks at length about authority being given to him and passing the Holy Spirit to mankind. What if it isn't the canonical miracle situation where faith in God prompts God to essentially be a genie for a second? Or even the revised situation where faith in God prompts God to consider our wishes and fulfill them if they meet up with his plans? What if the agent of miracles is the faith itself? Or the Holy Spirit imparted to us?

How would we know if that was the case. What would that look like?

Well if that's the situation, you can essentially faith anything into existence. But obviously you can't close your eyes, reach out your hand and say to yourself, "I have a beer!" and have one. Maybe the six billion people believing that things don't pop into existence balance out one person's insistence that they have a beer?

Everyone has faith in something, even if it's nothing. And if everyone counts, not just people who agree with a secret agenda, that would explain this sort of schizophrenic progress God's plan is taking. I feel like there's been sort of dialectic progress over history... it's War & Peace. Everything calms down until the next storm. And I don't know if it's short memories or short fuses or short attention span, but I'm not sure humanity's up to solving any kind of cosmic mystery.

Or not. I suppose if I was right, I'd never be able to prove it anyway and if I was wrong I'd have to end the universe to prove it.

Wow this took a weird turn. I'm gonna try to sleep again.

Screw Running!

2008-11-19T04:42:00.002-06:00

So I am weirdly blessed sometimes. I started running and dieting to get in shape and stuff. And it worked. I lost like 15 pounds and I felt stronger and better. And I noticed my clothes were loose and I was like "whoa, I'd better tighten my belt!" so that I'd be able to have pants on at work. And I tightened to the tightest notch.

Then I got sick and my throat closed and I couldn't eat and I lost like another 7 pounds. ALL FRIGGIN' NIGHT tonight, I had to keep yanking my pants up at work. I'm still over my target weight, but it's no longer about ideal weight. I need to keep my pants on at work. SERIOUSLY.

I'm switchin' off of diet soda and... what kind of food is more fattening than fast food pizza? And NO MORE EXERCISE.

Philosophy: Are my priorities out of whack? Should I be thinking about heart health and just buy new pants? Screw that noise.

PS I can't sleep. Hence the blog's title.

Hilarity

2008-11-17T18:44:00.004-06:00

Also, everyone should watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I LOVE that show. You can watch some at the official site. It's a lot of selfish people a la Seinfeld who run a bar in Philadelphia and the plot very often explores some sort of social issue like tolerance or abortion...

In one episode, for example, a character gets injured and has to be in a wheelchair. When they go to the strip club, the dancers feel bad for him and give him free dances. All his friends start pretending to be crippled too. They talk about ethics for a second, then fight and kick each other out of their chairs and stuff :D

GREG. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU WILL LOVE THIS SHOW.

Disease!

2008-11-17T18:30:00.003-06:00

So I have tonsilitis. My tonsils are swollen and cover about 1/2 of what's normally open throat space. They are also white and dark green (almost a black) and reaaaaaaally painful. I literally have to make fists in order to swallow.

I'm on antibiotics and "[I] should be feeling better in about a week." I can't swallow solid foods, unfortunately. So I feel really weak and light-headed most of the time. Also the antibiotics cause nausea and diarrhea. The fever and cough seem to be subsiding though. (This is such a blatant appeal for pity)

But it's not all bad. I got off work 2 hours early today. I'm re-learning that I love soup. And I got a decent story:

I went to the hospital and a nurse practitioner sat me down to examine me. She was like "Let me just look in your mouth.... OH MY GOD!" She backed up like she was scared then touched me on the chest like I was a hurt puppy. "You poor baby! That's definitely the most infected thing I've seen." Hence, antibiotics. Way to be professional, lady!

Corollary: Poop Euphamisms

At work, sometimes you need to announce broadly that you will be unable to assist because you have to go to the bathroom. But you can't say into the walkie talkies "I have to poop" or something because it can be heard all over and might offend someone. So the term has become "I've got a business meeting."

Get it? BM?

And today I turned it into "...with some pretty important executives" to convey the urgency. I love people. :D

Election Day

2008-11-05T11:18:00.002-06:00

I was voter #666 at my precinct, which was kinda freaky. I pointed it out to the person instructing me on how to put in my ballot and she was like, "Yes, people have been voting all day." I don't think she got it.

Obama won! Oh my God! I'm so happy!

And I'm already sick of hearing people reacting like "Oh no! He's a socialist! We don't know anything about this Muslim!" Goddamn. If you can't be bothered to check a single fact about your president, just shut the fuck up. *Sigh*

A girl I went to middle school with wrote a long note on facebook about how socialism will surely bring about the end of education because with equal pay there is no incentive. I didn't have it in me to tell her that not only was that not what Obama wants to do, it's not even true. Cuba and Canada are both socialist countries with outstanding healthcare. Better than ours by far. And in capitalist states with good social programs like England, doctors still make a bunch but their incentives are based on our health instead of denying care like they are in America under the HMO system.

If I told her that, would she hear it? I really doubt it. All I can do is wait for this totally radical president to sink in and hopefully that will wake them up.

Corollary Definition of Love

2008-11-01T23:59:00.003-05:00

Love is kind of like hunger where you feel that you need something, but not simple appetite. It's a craving. You want a specific something. And you can't quite figure out what it is, but you know that other person has it. And they can't figure out how to give it to you, even if they want to.

Wow, I must be in a really damn weird mood.

Oh, and it has to hurt. Even gratifying it has to, or it doesn't count, I think. Too many commas there. English. Pfffft.

Joggin'

2008-10-11T15:21:00.003-05:00

I started jogging! And my neighborhood is kind of pretty. So I took a series of photos showing it off. Enjoy.

This is the school my apartment faces. Not pictured: a playground full of screaming kids playing kickball.

The leaves are starting to turn!

Roman Catholic church! It has a sign that says it's private property and unauthorized activities are not allowed... but it doesn't say anything about trespassing. I wonder what the sign is supposed to mean? Probably just "Don't do it!"

Found this birch tree while I was looking around for good pictures. I don't know why, but I think birch trees are kickass.

There are a couple beautiful paths between houses. I hadn't gone down one until now! They're mostly between gardens. It's a nice neighborhood.

And this was on the other side of the alley: Kirby avenue. Charming? No wonder they have such a nice backyard!

Lincolnshire and Foothill have two intersections, so I like to run that loop. Also this is a really pretty picture! Or maybe I have runner's high still?

Some of my neighbors are really excited about Halloween already. It's weird to see that while you're running if you've been at it a while. I keep thinking I'm crazy until I remember it's October.

Once I get away from the apartment complex I live in, it's a lot like running through a forest. Very shady and lush. I like it.

Evidence of Divinity

2008-10-07T02:12:00.001-05:00

Electoral Paranoia?

2008-10-07T01:59:00.003-05:00

Is it possible that the Bush administration intentionally sabotaged our education (No Child Left Behind and underfunding) to soften up American youth for Republican marketing? Seeing Palin and McCain argue, you have to wonder how they think they make any sense at all. They both argue for free markets and heavy regulation in response to the current economic crisis? Palin supports overturning Roe v. Wade but also says she doesn't want to change the abortion law? McCain was pro-choice until he started losing the Republican primary! These people are entirely substanceless...

They're banking on people not understanding and just saying "I like them." I hope people are too smart for that.

Savoy 16 Kind of Rocks

2008-09-14T01:57:00.003-05:00

I like my new job. I get to wear a tie. I am the boss of people. Ha. Ha ha.

Sometimes I have to work crazy ass hours. For example, it is my second week and I worked 5pm-4am, 5-3, and then 5-1:30, but that is not too bad. If I had to come back the next morning any of those days, I'd be unhappy for a bit, but that would also be survivable.

And life is good. I am feeling a bit antisocial... possibly? But happily so. That is, I keep finding myself disturbed by the conduct of my female peers (fancy talk. Sorry). I just want to hang out with dudes or by myself and it's actually making me really happy. I don't know if that counts as antisocial though.

So now I will play a videogame I borrowed from my broseph Andy. And here's a music video for Stephen Colbert's 80's hit "Charlene (I'm right behind you)"

1986!! Year of my birth!

Saul Williams is Ingenius

2008-09-09T09:36:00.003-05:00

I was there!

Saul Williams - "Niggy Tardust"

Claire is in Sweden

2008-09-05T02:35:00.003-05:00

Here is a recent exchange:

Me: Hey what's up?
Claire: Not much. I made popcorn just now!
Me: Whoa! Does it taste American?
Claire: It tastes like mexikansk kryddblandning

More Music, Life Going On Backstage

2008-09-05T02:17:00.004-05:00

So, I haven't posted in a while. Claire moved to Sweden and that was really sad. I quit Blockbuster (the one I worked at closed) and now I work at the Savoy 16 (today was my first day). I visited my Grandparents in Arkansas. And now some music!

Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Elvis - Don't Be Cruel

Elton John - Goodbye Yellowbrick Road

And here's the B-sides:

Rufus Wainwright - Instant Pleasure

Elvis - Can't Help Falling In Love

(THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD VERSION!)

Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight

With a soundtrack like this, I supposed things must be all right with me, but I can't say I've had the time to really consider it.

Fallout 3!!!!!!!! I am way too excited for it.

2008-08-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

So today was pretty rough

2008-08-19T13:56:00.002-05:00

Dropped Claire off at the airport. I won't see her til June.

Lollapalooza Tour!!

2008-08-05T03:01:00.002-05:00

This is a series of videos from the artists I saw at Lollapalooza! If the video doesn't work for you, click the title. Hyperlinks for people who don't use Firefox... sighhhhhhhhh

DAY ONE:

The Go! Team - Ladyflash

Black Keys - Your Touch

Cat Power - New York

Bloc Party - Helicopter

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

DAY TWO:

Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - Vampires in Blue Dresses

The Ting Tings - Great DJ

DJ Bald Eagle

Lupe Fiasco - Superstar

After Lupe Fiasco, we watched part of Rage Against the Machine and Wilco, but ultimately decided it was more desirable to avoid the enormous and inevitable crowd than listen to the weak sets and participate in the exhausted audience. Probably a good idea. Rage kept telling everyone to step back and we were pretty sure they were hiding Obama back there, but it turned out presidential-candidate-less :(

Day Three:

Got a late start (didn't bother coming til 5). I LOVE SAUL WILLIAMS!

Saul Williams - Black Stacey

Gnarls Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now?

Gnarls was kind of disappointing. It's not that they were bad, it's just that they weren't as amazing as I expected. I think this was more the problem of the radio media than of the performers. But at least they make totally bizarre videos.

Kanye West - Stronger

And an oldie but a goodie:

Kanye West - "Bush Doesn't Care About Black People"

Good times.

Obama's Prayer

2008-07-26T14:34:00.004-05:00

Obama placed a prayer in the Western Wall when he was in Israel. And the Israeli papers pulled it out and published it! Here's his prayer:

"Lord--

Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will."

How do evangelicals not love this guy?

Graduation

2008-07-08T23:32:00.001-05:00

I'm done with college, too. I haven't gotten my degree yet, but I'm definitely finished with my credits and everything. w00t!

Adventures in the Life of Claire!

2008-07-08T23:22:00.004-05:00

So Claire got pulled over on the way to her mom's house. It was about 1 AM and her mom had just had spinal surgery, so she was staying the night over there just in case anything was needed. Then a cop decided that they would stop her because her "rear license plate wasn't properly lit."

She got off with a warning. The officer had to write in the reason for the stop since it wasn't one of the twenty-some reasons that were pre-set options. The policewoman also gave Claire the "officer copy," apparently not keeping any paperwork for herself. When I noticed this the next day, I thought it was really funny that they had failed in such a simple way. How could someone who did this as a professional not know their own copy from their taxpayer's?

When we checked it out, it turns out not one light on the back of her truck doesn't work. So... ?

Apparently an acquaintance of Claire's with a similar truck was pulled over in the same neighborhood because of an actually broken taillight. The officer told him that his light was out and that his car fit the profile for a vehicle involved in drug trafficking in the area. So was Claire pulled over illegally because of police profiling?

July Posting

2008-07-02T01:51:00.005-05:00

More pictures of summer in Champaign. B.Y.O. humidity.

Green stuff is always a people-pleaser. And therefore a good opener.

This is on my path to class every day. Found art #1.

And #2. I love the placement of this graffiti tag.

The thoughtful apartment complex. I love this photo.

The ladies in my life. Claire smiles prettily! (PS Hannah is back!)

And then they found fireworks! One of them looks dangerously excited (you can guess).

Independence! Apparently "independence" means only being allowed to celebrate with non-flying explosives. Freedom my ass!

This is Hannah's boy Harper. He is actually very rad and I thoroughly approve (as of 2:01 AM, July 2nd, 2008). I'm very happy for her :D Also he had never had Steak n' Shake and we fixed that about him.

Justice vs. Law

2008-07-02T01:04:00.006-05:00

Sorry the video is like 10 minutes long. It's very good though.

Update: For those of you who can't get the video to play (Dad), here's the link.

And I was just afraid of corrupt police! I guess my paranoia wasn't sufficient.

He was voted out of office. I wasn't able to find any evidence of charges brought against him for dooming innocents to all-but-valueless lives.

We're not a police state. People would object. We're a prison state.

I used to be really pissed that the subjects of our laws couldn't vote and therefore couldn't influence the laws. Thus, the practice of our criminal law didn't impact the implementation of them. But that isn't really the case either. The victims of our wildly unjust legal system don't even get to interact with the voters and can't possibly please their judges.

While this case appears racial to me, the mandatory sentences for drug possession has increased the prison population wildly since their implementation in 1986. "More than 80 percent of the increase in the federal prison population from 1985 to 1995 is due to drug convictions." And since their implementation, the federal prison population has risen from 487,593 in 1985
to 1,078,542 in 1995
to 1,448,344 in 2005.

"The financial realities of trying to build our way out of the correctional crisis makes today’s fiscal conservatives sound like yesterday’s rehabilitationists. (Rosenfeld & Kempf, 1991, p. 493)"

Apart from an overcrowded prison being more stressful and therefore less conducive to rehabilitation and more conducive to further criminal behavior, the US has been pursing alternative methods to imprisonment. Call me crazy, but I think we shouldn't attempt to enforce laws that require us to punish people to the extent that we must triple our capacity for incarceration. This is especially true when it breeds violence in our previously non-violent criminals, spreads HIV behind bars, and hasn't been necessary anywhere else.

Our laws with respect to drug use, while they are well intended are literally an atrocity. Coincidentally, the legal international definition of genocide is:

" (a) killing members of a national, ethnic, racial or religious group
(b) causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group
(c) deliberately inflicting conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part
(d) imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group
(e) forcibly transfering children of the group to another group"

Taking our drug-using population as an ethnic group (which they clearly are since ethnic means cultural and not racial), our laws are designed to commit genocide. They perform b, c, d, and e intentionally and in direct violation of longstanding international law (Genocide was defined as a crime by the UN in December of 1948).

Why nothing is done

Apart from our criminals not having an impact on our criminal law because they're not included in the legislative process...

Most people don't know this is a problem. In fact there are national campaigns demonizing the use of drugs. The government has put itself on the unjust side of this legal battle. Genocide, disenfranchisement and marketing will only work for so long.

Closing

While I don't use drugs or urge people to use them, it isn't private drug use that is so objectionable. Some addicts will do anything to get their drugs or drug dealers will do anything for their money and the violence created by this illegal system is what's so bad. WHY DON'T WE WORK TO MAKE IT SAFE? INSTEAD OF JAILING THE END USER WHO JUST WANTS TO SIT ON THEIR ASS AT HOME OR DANCE IN A CLUB?

Even the most heinous drugs (meth and crack) aren't directly damaging. There are ways to control the results of the drug by accepting it, but fighting the existence of a particular chemical in the population is an absurd task. I can't believe we've invested so heavily in this. Another war against reality.

Disclaimer

I realize this is pretty out there. I feel like at this point the whole U.S. is taking crazy-pills. The status quo is so far from healthy that I'm afraid either there's no going back or I'm deluded. If I am deluded, I suppose I'd say it's better to be a quixotic idealist than a fatalistic pessimist. And if there's no going back... ?

Artifice

2008-06-19T01:32:00.002-05:00

I was feeling a little silly today, so when I walked past the construction near where I live I thought to myself: "Finally somebody's getting around to covering up that damn sky. It's so big. Clearly it's flaunting itself before us, taunting America to colonize it."

But it was so sunny and gorgeous outside that I wanted to record the event. For a moment, this cloud paused just over a building with the sun behind it and I sprinted to get my camera out of my apartment and ran back too late to get the same view again. The picture above is what I ended up with. Not so bad, I'd say, but not as funny and startlingly beautiful as the view I saw.

***

When people do things like build buildings and roads and plant trees in rows, is that nature? Because we are natural beings and nature does have some order to it. It's not a bunch of chaos, but it isn't a bunch of neat rows either. It's sort of algorithmic. It's almost capitalist, where each organism maximizes its utility and that creates a system that supports itself.

So when we do things that harm the system or our survival, is that nature? I suppose I would think so, actually. If a predator is so good at what they do that there is no more prey, they die off. It's exactly the same to say that we have stretched the way natural systems interact through our own natural process and the reaction is globally devastating. Isn't it?

I think it's easy to look at rows of trees or roads or steel girders and say "this is our creation and that forest over there is nature's area." But there isn't a part of the planet that isn't effected by our actions. Either we're a part of nature or we've taken control of nature. And I prefer to think of us as a partner with the world than a dictator.

Who can declare war on the ground under their feet?

Media Barrage?

2008-06-18T17:08:00.004-05:00

Discover America!

No level of environmental awareness will make bikes cool. Apparently.

American Power

I think eventually we'll figure out a way to cover up the sky, or at least charge you for enjoying it.

Cars in a row, trees in a row, grass breaking the concrete that organizes it all.

Ego Boost!

2008-06-14T17:58:00.003-05:00

I got asked out at work and a few days later a group of sorority chicks showed up and were like "Hey, it's Dan! That's the guy that started our blockbuster account." So everyone I was working with was like "Dan has a fan club?"

Yay.

Swedish and work is going well. Busy busy. Sorry I haven't been blogging much, readers.

Wii!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-11T02:54:00.004-05:00

Claire bought me a Wii so that I could buy her Wii Fit! Now we have been playing Wii all the time. For the last four days, we've been doing an hour to a half hour of strength training, yoga, balance training, and aerobics daily. For me, this has been in the middle of the night, normally after working.

It is actually a workout. Man.

So we're sore-ish during the day, and then when we test again we can't balance so well. So as we do more, the game tells us we're doing worse and worse!! Oh no!

And Mario Galaxy and the Zelda on the Wii also rock. It is too fun maybe? It's like a chore a bit because I want to get it done. For example, now that it is 3 A.M. and I'm done with my daily junk and can relax, I can now sleep and do my homework in the morning. Woot?

But it rocks. Hells yes.

Romania!?

2008-05-28T00:56:00.004-05:00

Today in Swedish class we all got distracted and watched a bunch of funny videos. Because they were all European and therefore peripherally Swedish, it was considered cultural content.

Cora (my Swedish teacher this summer) is from Romania. Apparently she went to high school with the guy who wrote Numa Numa and he could get no chicks until the song came out and then he was knee-deep. In case you never saw it, this is an amazing song (which is sadly available only by linking).

Europe in general is amazing, as I have learned. For instance, have you seen this Swedish thing? I have no idea why this exists, but it is super great.

And finally here is Spain's entry in the Eurovision contest for this year (2008). No further explanation is necessary... or possible.

50th post!!!

2008-05-18T21:54:00.004-05:00

So this is my 50th post. I'm surprised and proud that I continued blogging this long. Let's see if I can do a one-sentence indictment of the Bush administration!

"Bush urged Arab leaders to defend freedoms of their people today and meanwhile our soldiers shoot copies of the Quran for kicks while ensuring the freedoms Bush propounded."

Hmmmm... not my best, but still pretty good. Hyperlinks might be cheating, and it could use a "freedom of religion right?" Or I could go on and mention the recent beatings of photographers by American-trained Iraqi police and say "freedom of the speech?" But eh. Criticizing Bush hardly requires work. I suppose I can finally sympathize with our impotent press. It's so damn evident that we're failing but reasoning has nothing to do with the policies we're enacting. So the reports are explanations of obvious things with zero impact on the criminals we elected.

Crap. That doesn't count as my usual whiny political diatribe, does it?

Update: Claire points out that only one soldier was actually shooting the Quran. For more on the lack of any semblance of moral authority, please see my War Crimes post. Or, come to think of it, didn't a Marine just plead guilty to sexually abusing a child in Japan? Oh but they took rape, kidnap, and perjury off the table so it's cool I guess. WHAT THE FUCK.

Update 2: Since posting, I erased a post or two. So now it isn't my fiftieth post, but... eh. Milestone nonetheless. Booyah?

"Everlong" by the Foo Fighters

2008-05-18T08:38:00.002-05:00

Possibly the best music video ever?! And from my childhood. So double-great.

Google It!

2008-05-16T03:12:00.002-05:00

I was googling how to write a business letter, and Google spontaneously generated a top ten list! You know how it lists the common searches given what you have entered so far? When I put in "how to," it listed...

(by the way "how to save a life" is a pop song)

10) tie a tie
9) kiss
8) make out
7) play guitar
6) save a life lyrics
5) get a passport
4) save a life
3) save money
2) boil an egg
1) grow weed

I don't know if you'll think this was as funny as I did, but that is pretty precious. Good work, America. Apparently the priorities in order are formal wear, good kissing, music, international travel, then money then food then pot.

IGA

2008-05-13T23:58:00.006-05:00

I went to the IGA to buy some waffles and a tall Modelo. Their credit system requires prompting, which I had forgotten. So I scanned my card, they rang me up and instructed me to scan my card a second time since I had to wait for them.

Me: "I already did. Oh wait. Shoot, I forgot that about this place."
Cashier girl: "Yeah... sorry."
Me: "You guys are total sadists."
Manager: "Did you just call us sadists? How could you tell?"
Me: "Yeah. 'Hometown proud' my ass!"
Cashier girl: "Not one of us is hometown proud. Hahaha!"
The grandma behind me in line: "Hahahaha!"

:-D

Svenska

2008-05-13T16:57:00.006-05:00

"Nej" by Raymond Och Maria

My Summer course has started and I am doing the first two semesters of Swedish over the next two months. The teacher, Cora, is really good. She is Romanian but speaks English as perfectly as any other person in the class (she started English at 11 years old). She went from teaching Swedish to Iraqi refugees in Sweden to UCLA and then to the U of I.

Every day the class goes four hours with an hourly five or ten minute break and a twenty minute break in the middle. There are six in the class, not counting myself, three boys and three girls. I just noticed today that we coincidentally chose a boy-girl-boy-girl seating pattern for ourselves.

So far it is really really fun. I can say a couple simple things--stuff like "My name is Dan" and "I am from Illinois"--and Cora is always willing so far to teach us new and obscure words so we can make more interesting forms of things. It is going really really fast. I had the second day today and we've already started using "can" statements and leaving the primary verb in an infinitive form. When I took German, we didn't do this until late in the year.

And Swedish in general seems really friendly as a language. Cora encouraged us to use exclamation points liberally and say tack (thank you) all the time, even in little clusters, as it is extra Swedish to do this.

A few complications with Swedish:

Occasionally the written language is exactly the same as German. For example, poison is "gift" in both. Dog is "hund" in both. But the pronunciation is totally different. Also my mind
keeps trying to use German as Swedish simply because it's non-English and I can't quite distinguish them yet.

The nature of the language of Swedish also cannot be written down. It is really frustrating sometimes trying to pronounce things because occasionally there isn't even a rule short of "oh, there are a couple invisible letters in this word." Most notably, the word "de" is pronounced "dom." And Cora confessed to us that often in e-mails and such, one will write dom rather than de. And then today we found out that in southern Sweden, people say de just as it looks but it makes them seem Danish. SO CONFUSING! Not to mention there's supposed to be a musical nature to Swedish. Today we were told to speak as if reciting to the rhythm of a metronome. What?!

But it's really really fun to roll my r's and try and figure out what the hell the newest combination of j's, y's, and å's could possibly sound like. I think everyone should try it for a day or two just to make a fool out of themselves.

Lose-Lose (This One Is All About the Last Paragraph)

2008-05-10T03:50:00.006-05:00

I remember, as a child, being in a public library and realizing the distinction between the juvenile and adult sections of the library. Presumably, people of a certain age process reality with a mature reason which supersedes childish notions. Is that how it is?

***

Currently, Obama has 1,860 delegates and Clinton has 1,696 in the Democratic primary. There are a total of 493 left. In order to tie Obama, Clinton has to win 66% of the delegates in the upcoming contests. In 88.7% of the contests for the nomination, Clinton has averaged 48% of the delegates. At this point there are three possiblities:

1) Clinton will have a wild and incredibly unlikely landslide comeback. She would have to win each and every future contest by a large margin to gain a delegate advantage over Obama. This would catapult her up to being the Democratic nominee.

2) The pattern will persist with Obama eeking out victories over Clinton. While occasionally each candidate will dominate one state or another, claiming some sort of newfangled manifest destiny in their relatively minor victories, by and large Obama has claimed 88.7% of a victory. That is to say, the vast majority of the contest is over and Obama has won that majority of a contest. It isn't finished, but that isn't to say that it isn't decided.

3) What is to say it isn't decided? The most likely outcome is that neither candidate will claim a majority of delegates by the time of the convention. Assuming that happens, the decision will not be mandated by a proportion of delegates. If we were simply to rely on a significant difference between delegates, it seems that the decision has already been made by the Democratic party. So why isn't the current leader the nominee?

It seems that Clinton is banking on the convention's willingness to override democracy in electing her the Democratic nominee for president. While it is possible that she be fairly elected as such, it seems far from likely given the broad pattern of her losing across so many states--southern and norther, urban and rural, young and old. Whatever point her sustained, complaining campaign is making, it is undermining the legitimacy of either Democratic nominee.

Whichever nominee we end up with, the nation will now ask: "Were they intended by the Democrats? Was there an error in judgment by some power which doomed our nation to their nomination?" And either nominee is much much weaker for it. Obama can't satisfy Clinton fans and Clinton can't satisfy Obama fans because it is not about principles or policies anymore. This is a ridiculous juvenile grudge-match which undermines not only the integrity of the Democratic party, but the potential for any sort of change in America's position in the world.

Bush has essentially been a curse for our nation. He spent his time adopting policies that have dropped our economy, the legitimacy of our laws (his former attorney generals can't find work anymore), and our reputation internationally (the U of I advised my girlfriend to claim she was Canadian to avoid violent aggression). McCain has decided during his campaign to reverse his social and economic policies to restrict personal the freedoms he previously defended and make permanent the tax cuts which he rabidly opposed when Bush proposed them. McCain has transformed himself from a conservative to a neo-con overnight in order to match the Money's policy.

Remember a year ago when there was a lot of speculation that McCain was going to quit because he couldn't raise the money to keep his campaign going? And then his policies changed. He embraced tax cuts for the rich and enforcement of family values (when previously he argued for non-regulation) and suddenly he's the front-runner. Good to know the absurd juvenile behavior is on both sides of the flag at least.

Most disturbingly, McCain supports the war in Iraq. He has repeatedly expressed that it needs to continue until it is done when there are no concrete goals at all to be achieved in Iraq. The closest anyone can come to a purpose for the war is to describe what peace is in the vaguest terms and add "We hope to achieve" in front of it. Given the history of us training Sunni Iraqis to be peacekeeping forces, graduating them, and them going off to kill Shiite civilians (not to mention American atrocities), I don't think anyone can reasonably have the impression that we're making progress in Iraq. The war in Iraq has taken longer than WWII did for America and has had exactly the opposite effect on our economy. Perhaps this is because we decided to reduce our federal revenue with the tax cuts McCain flip flopped on and now wants to make permanent when originally he criticized Bush for wanting to cut revenue while increasing spending. McCain said this was absurd and had no historical or economic support. Until he was desperate in his campaign to be president.

All of this means to me two things:

A) McCain is utterly unelectable. He has sworn off reason and integrity in pursuit of his popularity, shirking anything that doesn't fit the cookie-cutter conservativism he represents even while he doesn't understand it completely. Honestly I think McCain is a good guy, but looking at his campaign he's either a huge liar or a total idiot and either way he absolutely cannot be president. It would be unconscionable to support him now, even if you agree with his policy!

B) Both Democratic candidates are in a totally stupid divisive conflict. It seems that Obama has a decisive majority and at this point the risks wildly outweigh the benefits of Clinton staying in the race. All she can hope to accomplish is to weaken Obama or herself enough that a worthless monster of a politician like McCain can be elected. And if a candidate with a minority of delegates becomes a nominee for president? Or becomes the president? How will we pretend we live in a democracy anymore?

The same arrogance that inspires a separation of concepts held by children and adults drives this division of the Democratic party. It isn't a matter of which candidate will be there to the end. The end is already foreseeable. The Obama/Clinton race is just mutually assured destruction. They will sabotage each other up until the convention and make each other as distasteful as possible.

To be fair, only one of the two candidates must be this juvenile asshole which prefers to ruin the Reason that democracy relies upon to function. And Obama may be this kind of asshole as easily as Clinton, but he need not be. He has the advantage. Any loss of the Democratic party from this prolonged distraction from actual presidential campaigning is at Clinton's hands.

At this point the greatest hope I have, short of a either of the identical Democratic candidates being elected, is that McCain is more liar than asshole and simply doesn't follow through on all of his campaign promises which contradict his years of well reasoned service. It boils down to a choice between one of two nearly-identical Democratic children--one young and one immature--and a Republican who would have been a perfectly reasonable person, if only before the campaign.

I can't believe this country.

***

Earlier today, I was talking to a peer who asked what I was thinking about. They asked me what I would blog about next. And I said nothing much had been on my mind, so they mentioned the electoral race (I imagine it was to provoke me.)

And I ended up saying that the convention would decide the Democratic nominee and that McCain was so profoundly untrustworthy that whichever Democrat was chosen, they must be the next President. Mustn't they?

But the convention CANNOT decide the candidate. Because that isn't democracy. And the people almost certainly won't realize McCain's faults--he can buy ad space after all. And that isn't democracy either.

New Growth

2008-04-28T15:14:00.002-05:00

"Southern State" by Bright Eyes

2008-04-28T00:47:00.002-05:00

Please forgive the amateur video; the song is amazingly good.

Trip to Arkansas

2008-04-27T23:35:00.008-05:00

My Grandpa Harold has been in the hospital off and on for a month. This weekend I finally got down there with my Dad to see him. We took a train down, him from Chicago and me from Bloomington, and with the four hour delay we arrived exhausted and uncomfortable at 7 AM. The incredibly kind Best Western staff canceled our reservation when it was clear we weren't coming and didn't charge us anything. So we watched the news and waited for Grandma to call us. She took us to St. Vincent's.

This is our first visit to the hospital and first opportunity to hug Grandma Jimmy after she picked us up. Dad looks really happy to finally be here. And although it was kinda chilly in the morning, the sun was shining all day.

We went in and visited Harold. He was getting a shave and normally that's followed by a sponge bath, so we went downstairs and had some coffee. Rick had biscuits and gravy too since he was hungry. Grandma gave us a nice recap.

Grandpa had come home earlier that week but the stress of getting around started to give him chest pains and he began to decline again, so he's back in the hospital. But she says the staff is really friendly and wants to help (it's definitely true). She's had one issue with the night shift but in generally she's really pleased.

We went up to see Grandpa and the nurse was gone. We complimented him on his good shave and said hi. Jimmy pointed out Rick and I were there and he was like, "Yeah, I recognize him." But he was really slurring his speech dramatically and seemed really tired. It was like he could hardly keep awake.

After a little while talking with Harold we headed out to see the house they are building. Jimmy walked us all around it and pointed out the room Harold had picked out for himself so he can look out on the street. We couldn't find the key to get in to the house until later, but it is a really beautiful house. Three bedrooms, two whirlpool tubs in nice large bathrooms. Earth tones on the walls, wide doorways, and set into some lush trees at the top of a hill.

The hills in Arkansas really threw me, by the way. If we made more than two turns along those curvy roads between big humps of land, I totally lost my sense of direction. I am a flatland person.

Jimmy took us back to her house and showed me all around her garden--her ten tiny trees from the Arborday Foundation, her mother's lilies, where her neighbor's beautiful pink roses fall over the fence, and all the potted plants she brought down to Arkansas with her from Illinois. Her house is full of extra beds and pneumatic lifting devices, but it's a lovely home. Just look at her backyard. Wouldn't you love to live there?

But one thing puzzled me: she seemed to really be looking forward to mowing. I may miss a yard, but I doubt if I'll ever miss yardwork.

Aunt Bo came by and she knew where the key was so we all went and looked at the interior of the house. Again, wonderful house. Greg and I are gonna have to fight over the spare bedroom when he's in the US. Or get bunk beds.

And then back to the hospital. Harold was asleep and we woke him. We struggled to understand what he was saying and he seemed to lose interest in repeating the same sentence over and over. We fed him a few bites of his lunch (a burger) before he didn't want any more. He was definitely very tired and the nurses told us he wasn't on anything. Honestly, I was very worried. I was thinking he had had a stroke. It wasn't til the shift change that they told us he had been sedated all day. I asked if they were sure and if it was on the chart and she rolled her eyes and left without answering.

But we did get to talk to Harold a bit. He didn't seem confused during the visit or anything like that. And I noticed a totally goofy sign posted warning people calling in that they aren't entitled to any information... then why post a sign?

Grandma treated us to dinner at the Golden Corral which was so insanely delicious. I think the picture says it all.

We all tried to pay for dinner instead of her but she is really sly. She sidled up beside me and before I knew it she'd blocked me and Rick out of the cashier's reach.

Bo went home to read until the evening when she'd be taking us back to the train station.

We came back from dinner and fed Harold some of his dinner. He seemed more hungry this time. When a nurse came in, he asked her, "What's going on?" and seemed to be looking for a concrete diagnosis. She told him he was at St. Vincent's and asked if he remembered that. He shook his head no. I don't know if he didn't understand or if he was indicating that he hadn't been asking that, but it was disturbing at the time.

All we've heard from the doctors is that it could be heart disease or cancer or an infection or a series of small strokes. If we do the diagnostic surgery, it could be risky in itself and the treatment for the potential cancer would almost certainly be too much for him in his weakened state, so we're treating him for the high blood pressure he's had all along, feeding him well, giving him antibiotics, and putting salve on his rough spots.

After dinner he kept falling asleep for five or ten minutes at a time then talking to us. We watched Wheel of Fortune together and talked a bit. He asked me about Claire and I told him about her plans to go to Sweden and how expensive it is to fly over there. We talked a bit about being Swedish and how my Viking Sagas in Translation prof's family emigrated from Norway to South Dakota and how he'd been interested in Grandpa's story of North Dakota life since his dad was a Swedish immigrant.

After about a half hour he started saying, "I want to go to sleep." We asked if we should leave and if we should stop talking and he said he didn't care. After a few minutes of chatting or reading he would announce again, "I want to go to sleep!" We told him we loved him and goodnight and went out, back to Grandma's.

Monday he's going to another facility. It's technically a nursing home, but it's near Jimmy's current house and has a rehab center that is way more flexible than St. Vincent's. Working out a bit should get him strong enough to get himself around. We've just got to give him time to get over whatever's going undiagnosed.

Jimmy, Rick, Bo and I ate a frozen pizza. Everyone but Bo had some muscadine wine and we watched the news. Bo drove us out to the train station and we got there around 11 since our train was scheduled for 11:30. We said our goodbyes and everything, went into the station, and found we had another two hour and a half hours til the train was expected.

Gotta love Amtrack.

Carol Dweck

2008-04-25T00:24:00.003-05:00

On my final day of my Methods of Social Psychology discussion section, my lovely T.A. Shirley described her favorite social psych experiment. Carol Dweck tested some children to observe their approach to problem-solving. She gave them all tests and some kids would try and try and some would say to themselves, "I don't get this!" and quit.

Dweck theorized that the child's mindset (which can fluctuate day by day, but is anchored by beliefs and personality and modulated by mood and circumstances) is either "fixed" or "growth oriented." A fixed mindset is essentially defined as a child who says to themselves, "I can't do this because I'm dumb." And the growth mindset is a child saying, "I don't know how to do this but my intelligence can grow. I'll try really hard. Maybe I'll figure it out? Certainly I can learn later."

To see if this is actually how it is, she gave people two tests. After the first test, which was do-able for the children, she encouraged them either by saying, "Good job! You must be really smart!" or "Good job! You must have worked really hard on this!" Then gave them a much harder test. The children she primed to believe themselves to be simply smarter were significantly more likely to not try on questions they didn't understand. The others were more likely to try to figure out problems they didn't immediately understand.

What a huge impact parents and teachers and leaders must have on children! The way you phrase praise can impact whether or not they attempt the next challenge. And it isn't explicit in the experiment, but I imagine the child of a parent who always encourages in a fixed or growth oriented way will foster fundamental beliefs around these ideas as they formulate their personality.

Okay and now some wild generalization:

I would say that being a good person is vital to the survival of the human race. Developing negative views will block us and cause us to fight each other and ultimately die. Hopefully we have some buffer left?

Excellent Doc

2008-04-22T15:53:00.004-05:00

Found a great, freely available documentary on encroachment on civil liberties. It's from earlier in the Bush administration, but several times they refer to how they suppress reporting on legal cases and ended policies of reporting their own activities. No wonder the arguments against the Patriot Act seem to have died off!

By the way, if it freezes up you might try clicking on the scroll bar and it will buffer the next fifteen minutes or so for you. Worked for me, anyway.

War Crimes

2008-04-22T03:04:00.003-05:00

Apparently a larger than normal proportion of criminals are making up the recruits for the military. Citation! Why is the Army (and why are the Marines) giving more waivers to criminals than normal? Could it have something to do with a lack of new recruits?

We're at war. Of course we aren't having more people sign up. But to continue the war we need to have more and more soldiers. Which is why we aren't allowing people to leave the military at the end of their contracts, and why we're taking people out of jail to shoot people overseas.

Apart from the obvious dumbfuckery of training convicts of "assault, burglary, drug possession and making terrorist threats" in weaponry, hand to hand combat, and crowd control, how can we justify this after the problems we've already had? Look at Abu Ghraib. Look at Blackwater. These are problems caused by juvenile sadists empowered by a negligent government. I don't think freeing convicts is the best way to show disapproval for the bad behavior problems we've already been having.

If the government has to fight this war for whatever reason, don't the innocent civilians of Iraq deserve some sober arbitration? Sending a bunch of people who we jailed for violent or addictive crimes can hardly been said to be a step towards peace, can it?

If these soldiers absolutely must help for us to succeed, how are we to maintain respect for our laws? Given the widespread criticism that mandatory sentencing for drug possession distracts from enforcement on distribution and violent crime, how can we really have any faith in our government to be providing reasonable protection even within our borders? The idea here is apparently that we will punish people found to be possessing drugs unfairly until they decide to sell themselves into modern military slavery.

The Army refuses to waive convictions related to alcoholism, sexual violence, or drug trafficking. But the War on Terrorism is willing to accept drug users and terrorists?!

I can't believe this ridiculous policy.

To be absolutely honest, I am drunk and I can still reason circles around this administration. It's like they said to themselves one night, "We really need to keep this war going... Hey, who do you think we could kill without anyone minding?"

Convicts are one of the least defended groups of people in the nation. Apart from having everyone assume the worst, they don't even have any legislative representation because felony convicts don't get to vote! A Congressperson has absolutely no incentive to defend these people because they can't vote and the vast majority can't generate a campaign contribution. Democracy in action? We need a check or a balance for this crap.

*******

Recap:

1) It's a shame that we're sending our criminals to police Iraq.
2) It's a shame that we're disrespecting our own laws to accomplish warmongering goals.
3) It's a shame that we're trapping civilians into a situation where they have to decide between jails full of abuse and rape or participating in a war.
4) It's a shame that we're training our criminals to be an occupying force.

I am a civilian. I am deeply ashamed of our leadership.

"Sing Songs Along" by Tilly and the Wall

2008-04-20T15:57:00.003-05:00

Possibility of Change

2008-04-17T14:20:00.003-05:00

Today I thought about organizing some civil disobedience. I want to have people lie down to block the gas stations all over town for an hour simultaneously. If we cover it ourselves it might even make national news. And it would be non-violent and there would be a hundred or so arrests for lying on the sidewalk.

But then I thought: what would happen if it did get covered? There would be no response from the administration. Maybe people would hear about it, but everyone already knows about the price gouging don't they? And the government organizing a war which created this situation? So everyone knows the facts, it's just that their minds are made up. Either they do or don't believe it was a horrible terroristic move of our government, conspiring to hold our entire fuel economy ransom by stomping on alternative fuels and controlling alternative sources. And now our economy is faltering (big surprise) and we aren't developing any modern equipment to keep our cars and our businesses and our lights running. Instead we're raising prices on the things we do have. Thank God that Bush decided to send some of our tax dollars back to us this May.

The best thing I can think to do as far as civil disobedience goes is to stop paying taxes. I should start sending it directly to green energy sources and cut out the middleman. How Thoreau!

I know this was whiny. Sorry, guys. I just wish there was some way to give the people that we trust with the authority of all of our lives feedback that they wouldn't simply brush off.

Ben Folds Stole My Joke!!!

2008-04-17T00:19:00.003-05:00

At the Ben Folds show, he commented on how the sign for our beloved Perkins was partially burnt out and how funny he thought it was. Being a trendsetter, I naturally had already been interested in this, shared it, and gotten bored. While I can't pretend he should have known already, it's nice to get some confirmation of my sense of humor from an international celebrity.

al Jazeera English on Global Food Problems

2008-04-15T13:13:00.003-05:00

Here is their report from April 14th.

Please note the lack of cheesy graphics and "alternative" but totally unfounded viewpoints. Remember, "fair and balanced" doesn't mean hearing both sides of an issue when the issue only has one side. What would be fair is to simply tell to truth. To even allow a bogus view to be expressed is already unfair to the viewer and to the intellectual debate that they are trying to establish. It makes discourse and understanding base.

Hope you enjoy.

Food

2008-04-14T13:20:00.004-05:00

There isn't enough food, apparently. There are global riots and even coups in response to an inability of people to feed themselves, and according to CNN even poorer Americans are starting to feel the pinch of hunger. Why is this happening?

From the article: 1) ethanol production taking corn from food and 2) climate shocks causing famines. Are there any people that didn't see this coming? Congress aside I mean.

As for 1, Jeff Sachs of Columbia University is quoted: "We've been putting our food into the gas tank -- this corn-to-ethanol subsidy which our government is doing really makes little sense." There's been an availability of information on the pointlessness of spending energy on ethanol as can be seen here from August 2007.

Why didn't anyone else look into this? Clearly it was an issue, but every other report I read was pro-ethanol, which is why I remembered the expose so well eight months later. There's no investigation happening in journalism, I guess.

It must be sooooooooo damn easy to lie to Congress. I hate that our decisions are made by guys in a private setting who are brought legislation and bribes by the same lobbyists. Money --> (Congress rolling over) --> Policy.

As for 2, this is exactly the same issue. Between editing EPA findings and falsifying scientific studies, the Bush administration and the oil industry have gone well beyond what we even have laws to protect ourselves from. It's a whole new kind of corruption. Somehow, our commander-in-chief is emulating Big Tobacco in the 90's--it's all misinformation and smiling away criticism while pouring money into fake science to back it up. Bravo.

So there's no food. Yay for America, our leaders have poisoned the world and endeavored against all forms of honesty to help starve people. On the bright side, "land of the free" might really work as a joke about inflation and valueless money in a few years. So silver lining.

*****

Is this a problem with those leaders' personal ethics? Our government's checks and balances? Our capitalistic system of doggedly pursuing profits? Our media's inability to figure out the truth and make it known? Our religious community's lack of charity? All of the above?

More on "Cosmic Syllogism"

2008-04-07T19:46:00.002-05:00

The whole idea that God could be separated from Himself would mean that God technically sinned. But because He is also always unified with himself, that is impossible. It's either a problem in reasoning or an indication that God supersedes logic.

That means that the question has to be:

Is God capable of doing the impossible? Or is His omnipotence limited to doing anything do-able?

If His omnipotence is limited to possible things, either there is a problem with my previous reasoning or with one of the first principles (that Jesus is wholly God and Man and that sin is separation from God).

If God can do the impossible, it's consistent with the canon as I understand it. Unfortunately, if God can do impossible things, then the rules of logic might not always apply. It's entirely possible that the reasoning might not be correct even if the logic is sound. While things seem consistent, we can't assume that they will be anymore.

So either way, we don't know what it means. We end up with a faith statement again when we try to describe how God relates to Man and sin.

Cosmic Syllogism?

2008-04-07T03:34:00.003-05:00

This post is an expression of some of my thoughts from a few different interrelated debates. Hopefully presenting them as a series of logically ordered thoughts should make them pretty much immune from arguments against their soundness. If you don't agree with the starting principles, of course, it'd be pretty hard to prove anything as it is in any faith argument.

Everything below should match the formula A + B --> C

1. A. God defines what is good.

B. God is separate from man, and this separation is defined as sin. This may be a separation of wills or an adherence to God's rules. Suffice it to say, as long as we are not exactly the same as God, there must be some kind of separation and therefore sin.

C. Because God is fundamentally good, sin is the opposite (which I will call "bad" not "evil.")

2. A. According to canon, Jesus was completely man and simultaneously completely God. This means that he was sinless, but it might not be the case that any sinless (that is, completely obedient) person would be like Jesus.

B. When he died, Jesus took onto himself the sins of the population of the world. In doing so, Jesus separated from God in the sense that he was sinful. Simultaneously, Jesus was fundamentally God. This is an apparent contradiction. Traditionally, the logical answer at this step is to say that either there is a problem with the conception of Jesus as being both completely man and also God or a problem with the conception of sin. But God's identity is taken as three-fold by most Christians. God is able to separate one part of Himself from another without violating either principle.

This point 2B is endorsed by Jesus's statement: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" More on this at the bottom.

C. God used sin to transform God's own nature. God incorporated humanity into Himself and moved from being a unified being to a separated being with the same nature. This isn't obviously profound. Hence point 3.

3. A. God is a self-divided being and each of those divisions is fully God.

B. Sin is defined as separation from God (see above).

C. Each piece of God (normally taken to be the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) which is both completely God and also different from the other parts of God is separated from the other parts of God. Even if this was only meaningful for the time during the passion when Jesus carried normal sins, it fundamentally changes the interplay between goodness and God. I don't really know where this goes, but it seems like the upshot is forgiveness. The stuff after this point is going to get weird and abstract.

There's no canon for God's identity in this area as far as I know. I think that Jesus, in being divided from God through his Humanity, changed God's nature because God is incapable of being separate from Himself. Jesus and God never disagreed, afterall, because Jesus taking on the world's sins was God's plan.

If Jesus remained unified with God even after sin, it gives us a mode for direct interaction with God while unclean which didn't exist before. Jesus, being wholly human, still contacted God directly.

Maybe it's simpler to say that the Father made the plan to move into direct contact with humans, then Jesus united God with Humanity until sin made him self-divided.

Suddenly I find myself unable to think. (It is 4:30 AM)

I think the gist is that Jesus was a transformative stage for God and afterwards He was able to overcome sin's simple definition of separation from God. If God can explore sin, it gives him an avenue to communicate directly with us. Previously a sacrifice was required to contact holiness and now holiness can unify itself with whatever as God wills without it contradicting the covenant.

Quick Note:

That last sentence appears to say that God's powers are limited or were before Jesus. And they were limited with respect to Humanity because of the covenant between God and Man. The rules for sin were set out, and He adhered to them up until the point when God used sin to change His relationship to Man.

Final Note: This is the P.S. about "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

2B continued: It always bothered me that Jesus said that. Either he was incorrect or God sometimes abandons people. So either I have to think of Jesus as poorly informed of God's behavior or God as less than loving. Pretty rough choice.

Thinking of God's forsaking as separating rather than abandoning explains away this difficulty. This easiness is nice, but that isn't a sign that it's true.

Feedback on all this would be appreciated. It's all way way out there compared the sermons I've been hearing lately.

Gospel of Wealth

2008-04-06T11:33:00.004-05:00

So I went to church the other day and before the tithe collection, they encouraged us to give, saying that God would surely give us back more than we had put in. And that is Biblical... Matthew 19:29 says "And anyone and everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for My name's sake will receive many times more and will inherit eternal life."

And the Prayer of Jaybez (1 Chronicles 4:10) shows someone asking God for wealth and God granting it. This spawned a couple self-help style theological texts all about getting rich with God's help. Somehow, wealth has become an essential issue in religion.

CNN put up an article about how the gospel of wealth has replaced a prophetic doctrine. Modern black churches, it says, have shifted focus because the challenges of black people are now centered around money management and personal responsibility. Changing what is preached should help them overcome poverty and better their lives. But, says Henry Wheeler, president of the Church Theological Seminary at Indianapolis, "I don't know many prophetic preachers who are driving big cars and living very comfortably."

So here's the counter argument. Right before the Matthew quote is a little context that should give it a completely different meaning.

Matthew 19:16-20, a young man asks Jesus what he must do to have eternal life (which Jesus had been preaching previously) and Jesus tells him to follow the commandments. He says, oh I've already been doing that. Is there anything else?

Here's the critical part: Matthew 19:21-24 "Jesus answered, 'If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to this disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.' "

This clarifies the "reciprocal blessing" core of the gospel of wealth as 'if you give to the poor, you will have treasure in heaven.' It's not that if we give $10 we get $1000. In fact, for rich people, entering heaven is a nearly impossible task.

And with respect to Jabez's prayer, of course you might become rich if you pray for it. You may become rich if you do not. But Job was renowned for his piety and God actively destroyed his wealth. Taking what Jesus said about salvation and poverty, which of them received the greater blessing?

Gospel of wealth is a great way to build a church of people obsessed with a lifestyle that is thoroughly un-Christian. That's true. It may create some social and economic health for its members, if it's true that it teaches better money management to its members as the article above stated, but it's still a corrupt money-sink. Opportunistic helping is hardly helping.

Let's get back to Christian values:

Charity
Love
Peace
Forgiveness

Am I forgetting anything? (This was sort of written in a hurry)

Cosmic Irony? Probably Coincidence

2008-04-06T02:12:00.001-05:00

I just watched Omega Man (the Charlton Heston movie where he is the last man alive. I Am Legend is the remake). Finished it, looked up the news website, and Charlton Heston died. :(

Future Plans

2008-04-03T13:32:00.005-05:00

There are three points to this note. One was previously touched on, but this should be much more distilled and hopefully more clear.

1. The political revolution expected from the challenging candidates from the Democrats is actually a social revolution.

Obama as a serious contender for President isn't a sign that politics is different. He takes handouts from lobbies, just the same as everyone. If he didn't, I doubt if he'd have ever gone this far in his party anyway. He isn't a power to reform the government.

If he does get elected though, it will definitely change America. Just to have a black President would blow the minds of part of the populace and, to those who don't think it's amazing, it will give them hope. Just the concrete reality of a black President will have a permanent impact on the way people relate to each other in America permanently.

I just hope if he does get elected, he doesn't get assassinated.

2. The economic change that the refund is supposed to encourage should have a political base.

Our economy is spiraling slowly downward, and has been for a while. To remedy this, our government is giving back a bit of our taxes this May so that we'll fuel America's businesses by buying junk. This is essentially the same as saying, "We overtaxed and if we hadn't, we wouldn't be in this mess."

Why has there been a slow spiral? Is it because we aren't buying enough things?

The past eight years, the economic landscape has changed significantly to give corporations more freedom. Billions of our dollars were poured into jobs overseas both from our corporations to outsourced labor and from our government to defense and support businesses in Iraq and elsewhere. Giving back the rebate doesn't address anything causing the problems though.

The economic change we're looking for isn't an economy decision at all. It's not about who has the money, it's about the way the power controlling the economic policy has been shaping the landscape. The economic change we're looking for is found in a political change. Our politicians somehow don't feel any accountability for the results of their absurd devotion to corporate support.

To really fix our economy, we need to change our political reality. As it is, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

3. The social divide that is growing in America is less a social problem than an economic one.

The division between the rich and poor continues to grow and grow. In my view, this isn't just because the rich have more means and therefore more means to make money with. It seems to me that the poor in this country struggle to survive. I know that personally, as a young capable man in my last semester of my undergraduate degree, I don't know if my degree will matter at all. I could find a good job or I could not. But in the mean time, I'll have to work full time and sell my plasma to feed myself and keep a roof over my head. Heaven help me if I have car trouble.

The divide grows not just because the rich get richer, but because the poor stay poor. There isn't a way to learn and grow while you're scrapping together your survival. And the people selling the food, the housing, the water, the electricity, health care, education... that's either the State or the rich. Whichever one is the seller, they do not have a right to profit off the poor's need for survival.

Every living person is deserving of water, food, a home, health care, and basic education. To allow social mobility, everyone must have the freedom to survive. If a person wants something nice, they'll have to work to get it still, but they should be able to stop and raise their kids or stop and learn. I cannot believe that we as a society have embraced the opposite notion--that some really really rich person has every right not to share with people who work two jobs while their eight year old raises their two smaller kids.

No wonder we have social problems, but there's an economic answer. By reorganizing the budgeting of what we need to survive, we give everyone freedom to be whatever they want. And it is utterly do-able if we quit worrying about the wallets of business-owners and instead focus on what would make society better.

P.S. studies have shown that there is a very strong correlation between happiness and money up to the subsistence level and a very very weak correlation between happiness and money over it. The good in life is living, not money. And by keeping the money in only a couple pockets, we're stopping the poor from living their lives as anything more than a series of jobs.

On Hope

2008-03-31T18:42:00.003-05:00

In the most recent Rolling Stone, I read the political article "Hillary's Flimsy Case" by Matt Taibbi and it was basically stuff I knew. Clinton and Obama are wasting time hurting each other, but they can't back down so there's no other option. And Obama, while a symbol for a new political reality, is still taking corporate money to run his campaign so he is not some heroic non-corrupt person to usher in a new era.

What prompted me to respond to the article was Taibbi's statement that Obama is essentially teaching us to believe in Santa Claus and that when we figure out he's a liar, he won't symbolize anything but old politics' ability to sell the same ruinous shit in a slick new package. Taibbi seems to not realize what it is that Obama represents.

Obama is not remarkable as a politician. He speaks well, sure, and I'm enjoying his book Dreams From My Father (if you're reading this, it means you know me and it has my strong recommendation), but he's essentially the same as anybody with his platform and a booming voice. He doesn't symbolize a radical new direction for campaign funding or a new approach to global affairs. He hasn't overtly attacked Hillary and that's sort of new, but trying not to be ugly isn't unheard of, just uncommon these days.

What Obama really represents is the fruit of forty years of social growth. He's a politician like any other, but a man we haven't seen before. He's a post-60's black leader that fits in on Capital Hill. He's the black guy moving into the white neighborhood and people are glad. He's not a symbol of political revolution, he's a symbol of social revolution. This man belongs to multiple races, has lived in the central US, Hawaii, Indonesia, New York. He has a Muslim name, a secular education, and apparently a black nationalist preacher at his Christian church. Absolutely everyone can find something they might use to take offense with him if they like. But we aren't there as a nation. We are finally (or maybe momentarily) past that.

Embracing Obama is a way of embracing who White America wants to be. He's a good guy, whatever else he is. Just seeing the support he's already received gives me hope for the future of our nation. We might be growing more reasonable as a nation--even more loving? If he becomes the President, I think there would be no going back. His supporters would be reassured of the possibility of a harmonious society, and even his strongest opponents would be confronted with a concrete symbol of equality.

The first step towards building a better society is believing it can be achieved. This is the hope Obama represents. Not that no one would be bribed again, but that people in all domains of life (and across them) could reason together respectfully and create something better than themselves.

Quick Apology

2008-03-30T22:38:00.002-05:00

I'm a bad blogger! I don't post enough, I know. I'll fix it. I've got some ideas, but no motivation. Soon, I'm sure, I will decide I should talk a bunch about my views. Until then: sorry I'm not entertaining over here.